Bolton v Ashton Sat 18th Sept 2010

Ashton Under Lyne were the visitors to Mortfield Pavilion this Saturday as a battered and bruised Bolton team attempted to make amends for last weeks disappointing result which saw them lose in the last minute away to St Edwards O.B. With more players unavailable the Bolton faithful knew it would be a tough task as the previous year's Bolton v Ashton became hard fought fixtures. With Ash 'Moaty' Cooper still under questioning, Sam Hilton still promoting his latest book at Private schools around the world, James 'little squizz' Singleton selling Amstrad computers with uncle Alan Sugar, and finally veteran and role model Mike "the Bolton Pope" Singleton out injured with a fractured paw bone it became clear every other player must stand up and be counted as Bolton intended to keep up their home record this season intact.

With coach Alex "four weddings and an iron man" Youngman* away the mantel was held by his trusty assistant Nick "Sherlock" Holmes who put the Bolton squad through their paces before, during and after the match. Another job taken with both hands this week was that of Bolton captain, this honour was granted to consistent work horse / hair straightener John "Insomniac" Stryker who everyone agreed was the perfect replacement in both Hilton and Singleton's absence.

With the warm-up completed (with some energy left) Bolton started the game well with a good few hard phases, however spent the best part of 5minutes defending the constant punishing forward runs of the Ashton pack...credit was rewarded to Bolton though as bone crunching tackles from the likes of Lloyd "We go through them!!!" Green and Chris "Man of the match but crap at drinking" Mee managed to turn the defensive phases into attacking ball as the Bolton backs punctured the Ashton defence with barn storming runs, the strong runner Mark "My Mrs is a Personal Trainer" Aspinall continuously dragging in 3-4 defenders and creating room out wide. With 10-15 minutes gone the first breakthrough came as Bolton pressured the Ashton back line, this time child / man / muddy wheeler Bobby Bolton broke through the defence and in trying to off load in a 2 on 1 situation had the ball purposely knocked on by an Ashton player and the referee awarded a Penalty try, the conversion was calmly slotted under the posts by Andy "adult-friend-finder@Leeds-uni.com" Crimmins. The most frustrated Bolton player in this situation was Northern tackle expert and kindergarten wrestler John "what you benching?" Keech who like a Bolton Wanderers fan had worked hard to be in support of Bolton but ended up gaining nothing.

With Ashton feeling aggrieved by the situation Bolton knew it was imperative that they held onto the lead and held Ashton back in any attempted attacks they had in mind going forward. After absorbing Ashton as they peppered the Bolton team around the fringes the team in red and white continued to counter to devastating form, Pete "It was only available in green" Brogan and James "Asthma isn't a disability" Howarth pushing the away team back with weaving runs, Ashton in their frustration kept giving Bolton penalties and in turn kept losing 30-40 m every time giving Bolton better position on the field. After another great Bolton line out, Mark "Charlie is my hero" Crow finding his jumper, the ball spinning wide through the frail but good hands of Barlow to the snake hipped teenager Bobby "the brain" Bolton who beat 3-4 Ashton defenders and finished in style beneath the posts, again young Crimmins used his accurate missile launcher to slot the 2 extra's. The score now 14 - 0.

As the second quarter of the match wore on it became clear that Bolton had pressurised the Ashton team that much that a few of their players started to lose their cool, the Ashton second row spending time in the bin for punching Bolton flanker Pete "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeel" Brogan off the ball, Brogan now sported a Paul Ince / Dr John Adams guiness style head band for his troubles.

As Bolton hammered the gain line time after time a move that started in the West corner of the pitch (the heroin addict park / slope end) saw the ball finding its way through several pairs of hands into the opposite corner where a quick pick up from the bottom of the ruck saw Crimmins send Chris "magic hat" Turner into the corner for a well worked try, unfortunately Crimmins the try provider could not add the extra's.

Other highlights of the first half saw Bolton hammering the Ashton attackers with great upfront two up tackles and turning the ball over at the ruck area, Green, Keech and Chris Mee the consistent offenders as Bolton started to show top class dominance in front of the Avenue Street faithful.

Half Time Score: Bolton 1s 19 - 0 Ashton Under Lyne

The half time message from coach Holmes was clear, he didn't want any slip ups and a continuation of the good work currently being undertaken, the emphasis was on getting the bonus point and not letting the opposition score a point.

The second half started a lot like the first but this time the Ashton players seemed a lot more disheartened by what had happened in the first half but turned their frustrations to being more aggressive around the ruck area. This aggression often turned to penalties and meant Bolton gained great yardage through the thunder boot. Again dominating the line out the human salmon and Bolton captain John "GHD" Stryker set up maul after maul as Bolton now started to move forward in the tight. This meant better quick ball for Barlow and his backline as excellent weaving runs full back Danny "that isn't very PC" Joseph and Marcus "cus cus cus" O'Donahoe who had eventually got his wind back after taming the Ashton number 8 in a head on collision mirroring a lorry hitting a small Childs push bike. These runs meant the Bolton pack could gain vital rest between breakdowns and hit the line harder when taking the ball into contact.

An opportunity arose mid way into the second half as a chip over the Ashton defence from No.9 Crimmins found self proclaimed fa(s)test prop in the club, Ryan Wignall, hacking the ball further on before swan diving on the loose Towler egg over the try line, Crimmins in his second kick of the move slotted the conversion from out on the right.

With the bonus point secured and Ashton on the back foot Bolton started to punish the travelling side. Runs from Mee, Howarth, and in particular Aspinall saw Ashton scampering whilst moving backwards. Phase after phase from the red and whites saw another flowing move stop short in the corner, in a mirror of the first try Crimmins released the thief in the magic hat Chris "thunderboot" Turner into the corner who trippled the tries meterage behind the whitewash narrowing the angle for the hotshot Crimmins who added the extras. The score now 33 - 0.

One hit up too many cost inside centre Aspinall as a nasty twist of the knee saw him having to leave the field, a re-shuffle in the backs saw curly father Will "physically but not mentally" Swift move into the centres and human cube / scrum half Wayne "bushwhacker" Banks move over from the 4th team game (in which he had already picked up the MOTM award). Bolton continued to heap on the pressure and worked the ball through the hands on numerous occasions, a well worked move saw James “steam train” Howarth crashing over in the corner for a well deserved try, Howarth's running had been good and strong all day. The conversion confidently kicked from the touchline by Andy Crimmins. This try was quickly followed by another well deserved try for Captain John "I love Horwich carnivals" Stryker who took a flat pass from second row partner Turner and crashed over from short range, the extra points again added by the cheeky pie seller Crimmins.

As the game wore on Ashton became as frustrated as Lesh Towler looking for balls in the woods, another sin binning saw them down to 14 men, this was added to the loss of their most effective player in their number 8. After camping in the oppositions 22 m zone for more than 30 mins Bolton topped off the game by pressuring the Ashton no. 10 / full time pillock WARREN who dropped the ball when attempting a kick clear, the ever persistent curly cube Wayne Banks the lucky man who quickly kicked the ball through and dived on the lose ball to score to the right of the freshly white sticks, the conversion again kicked by Andy "7 from 8" Crimmins.

This was the final point of the match and duly put the icing on the Bolton cake. Although Ashton weren't the greatest opposition it proved that Bolton have better strength and depth as a club with 6 regular players out for various reasons, this now will add (good) issues at selection again next week as Bolton travel to Birchfield in what will be fierce fixture away from home.

Final Score: Bolton 1s 54 - 0 Ashton Under Lyne

MOTM: Chris "You don't wanna know...." Mee

Scorers:

Tries: Penalty Try, Bolton, Turner x 2, Stryker, Wignall, Banks, Howarth

Conv: Crimmins x 7

Quote of the day: "Hi Popey my name is Popeye Mike and ive scored four tries in three games" (Mike Singleton on meeting the Pope in London on Saturday)

* Alex Youngman's book "Deal With It...." is now out in all good book shops. Every book comes with a complementary playbook and 1.2% off a new pair of Bolton socks.