Match Report Bolton v Tarleton Sat 2nd Oct 2010

Bolton looked to the Mortfield gods this Saturday as they wanted to improve on last week’s defeat to Birchfield away. With player / coach Alex "Sailor's mate" Youngman away at his 49th wedding of the summer the reins where held by caretaker coach and highway code expert Nick Holmes. The message was clear and to the point, but the message was also a secret so details are only available at the Kukri shop. Unfortunately the sale ended last week, however other secrets will be available from changing room 4’s ball cupboard where Lesh will be 24hrs a day 364 days a year.* The Kukri shop will be open again in January 2014.

Bolton made personnel changes during the week for many a reason, hooker for the previous 3 games Mark “Peanut butter” Crow was late back on the Saturday after spending several days in London at his latest book signing**; Chris Cockton stepped back into the no.2 shirt after several weeks crushing grapes in Blackburn, inspirational audio tape enthusiast Lloyd “we go through them” Green was back after a week out, and Rhys “ankle bruise” Pritchard was back after his cosmetic trip to LA.

The game started with Bolton this time taking the initiative from the off, already it was clear that the team had put last week behind them. Hole punching runs from the Bolton forwards allowed scrum half James “Mini Squizzer” Singleton to angle balls wider from the ruck area and allow the ball runners in the pack to make ground on the scampering Tarleton defence, Chris “one eyed willy” Mee and his tag team partner Ash “can I get a fishy on a little dishy can I get a fishy till the Moat comes in” Cooper constantly asking questions of the travelling defence.

Several times in the first half Bolton saw themselves hitting phase after phase, at one point Bolton racked up a constant 5-10minutes of play with only the great upfront tackling from Tarleton stopping numerous scores. A penalty was Boltons first points of the day with Tarleton infringing the ruck area, the kick slotted over from 30m by outside centre and Lionel Messi impersonator Rhys Pritchard.

A lucky escape for Tarleton as Boltons pack continued to push forward both in the loose and the tight, excellent power shown by the Bolton front five in the scrum continuously pushed the Tarleton side back in the scrum. This great work around the base of the scrum gave experienced rugby version of the Chuckle Brothers in Fly Half Mike “What are you curling? Im on 7.5kg’s” Singleton and his apprentice inside Centre John “tie my arms with tape n make me look massive” Keech the time to pick gaps in the Tarleton backline, Keech making good ground with several runs throughout the day. When the ball needed to go wide Bolton found extra pace outside the Tarleton players straying arms, Danny “no random child this week” Joseph and James “Have you seen my fake bruise” Howarth showing the Tarleton wingers a clean pair of heels on a number of occasions.

Bolton continued to hammer the Tarleton defence who were holding strong throughout and counter attacked with speed when allowed to, however it was Bolton who made the break mid way through the half with another controlled move. The ball made its way through several pairs of hands outside the Tarleton 22m zone with the ball being held just short of the try-line beneath the posts, quick thinking and ball presentation allowed the ball to spin wide from veteran Singleton to fake vegetarian Chris “magic hat” Turner who slipped the ball to a crashing bowling ball in Chris Mee who bounced three tackles and forced his way over the try line, a well deserved try for a player picking up his 3 MOTM award in 4 matches. The extra points added by on form kicker Rhys “granny ankle” Pritchard.

The home team continued to pressure the travelling Tarleton with plenty of well worked moves but always fell at the final hurdle when setting the pace, credit was due to Tarleton though as they conned the ref into giving penalties at the scrum area where Bolton captain Sam “Just for men” Hilton out scrummaged the much bigger Tarleton tight head who continuously buckled under the baby rhino's pressure. The penalties didn’t pay though as Bolton ended the half on top and confident but knew full well they weren’t out of Les’ woods yet.

Half Time Score: Bolton 10 – 0 Tarleton

The second half started much like the first with the home team taking advantage of Tarletons struggling defence, the set pieces allowing Bolton to cement solid ground, Cocktons missles were hitting their targets throughout the afternoon and regardless of the calls Bolton seemed to make hard yards from the side of the pitch. An injury during the match saw young changing room caretaker / cleaner Andy "Justin Timber-cake" Crimmins replace fellow young-gun Rhys Pritchard.

Just minutes into the half Bolton tried to finish the game off by scoring from different areas from the field, veteran Singleton's backline continued to pressure the young Tarleton outfit and combined phases from the Bolton forwards and backs had the away side stretching to make tackles, Marcus "Earthworm Jim" O'Donahoe and John "H out of Steps" Stryker making strides into trying to breach the strong defence. As the half wore on Bolton strangled the away team to the point where penalties were the last resort, Crimmins kicking two further bullets from 35m to give Bolton a two try advantage. The score now 16-0 and the Bolton falcons started to steal the eggs from the Tarleton nest.

It seemed Bolton had the game in the bag and rarely looked troubled when defending, strong hits in middle from back row pairing Ash "King" Cooper and Joe "chinese child hair" Smith not just stopping the advancing attacks but knocking them backwards and stealing the ball in the process.

As strong running from mid-field created room outside Bolton took full advantage, a flowing move saw the lively bag of squirrels Danny "good game today mate" Joseph dive into the corner to touch down only for the Tarleton touch judge to make the call that the right toe of Joseph found the whitewash, a 5m line out the call and Tarleton clear their lines.

The final 20mins saw Bolton's indiscipline cost themselves many a metre, this seemed to spoil the good work put in throughout the game by the Bolton pack. A tap penalty around 30m out saw the Bolton team scrambling to cover in defence and Tarleton touched down in the far corner, a great effort to tackle the diving player from UFC fighter Ash "Brock Lesnar" Cooper forced the jubious try into a virtually impossible area for the conversion, the conversion missed, the score now 16 - 5.

Bolton knew they had let themselves down and for the following 15 minutes continued the way they had started, excellent hands from all 15 players complemented the way Bolton have been approaching training and they way they want to play rugby, balls hitting the gaps and creating defence breaking runs both close and away from the breakdown. With three playmakers on the pitch in youngster Crimmins, mid age group James Singleton and oldest player at the club Mike Singleton the ball and the Bolton team constantly moved forward.

As Bolton moved forward with 2 minutes to go the ball found its way through several sets of hands and great pre set moves saw the Tarleton team moving backwards again as Bolton persistently pressured the visting side. A loose pass however found the wrong hands of the Tarleton stand off who spread the ball wide and Tarleton attacked, a bone crunching tackle in mid field from MOTM Chris Mee halted the move but the referee saw an infringement and gave Tarleton possession around 25m out, a loose word from a Bolton forward gave the away side an extra 10mtrs and a tap penalty again put Bolton on the back foot, the visitors moved wide and scored again in the corner. This was the final play of the game as the conversion missed.

A good home win from a confident attacking Bolton side. Next week see Bolton entertain Burnley in a match that is surely going to be a tough contest for the 3rd placed team from Avenue Street.

Final Score: Bolton 16 – 10 Tarleton

MOTM: Chris "Honestly it was his finger that poked me....." Mee

Scorers:
Tries: Mee
Conv: Pritchard
Pen: Pritchard, Crimmins x 2
Quote of the day: "I may be old; but the rugby skills I show are a modernised form of art” (Mike Singleton, overheard talking to his opposite number after the game in the shower.)

* 1 day of Lesh’s year is allocated to the “balls in the woods Gilbert egg hunt” an event he has hosted for 18 years running.

** Mark Crow’s book “From hero to zero” is available in all good bookshops. MENS HEALTH 5/5 – “An inspiration to every man, his semi is a bungalow in my mind”