Match report v Aldwinians

Bolton made the short journey down the M60 to the very well signposted Manchester club Aldwinians who sat in the top three of the league table before Saturdays battle. Bolton were missing several players this week, Danny “Hi your 5yrs or younger, you want to watch rugby” Joseph & John “Leotard” Keech were away on International duty, whilst a late cry off from second row Chris “domestic abuse” Turner forced other changes. Tom “Proclaimer” Relph made his debut, Geoff “my name is” Earle stepped in at lock and Pete “Zinadine” Brogan played flanker for the second week running. Saturday also saw the return of club chairman JP “Self-selection” Hardman who’s expertise in water carrying would surely help once the game had kicked off.

With Bolton’s good form coming this season mainly from the Theatre of Trees it was clear the visit to Audenshaw was going to be a tough test, games away from Avenue Street become harder as the local hotspots of the community support allotments, heroin addiction park and the joy riders chicane always give added fire to the Bolton belly when playing at home, this was something Bolton tried to cancel from their minds mentally before kickoff.

A worked up Bolton side hit the field with fiery intentions as the game started, the Aldwinians standoff continued to fire the ball into open space behind the scrambling Bolton back three, these good positional kicks gave the home side the ball on the front foot and troubled Bolton throughout. The first score came from a pre-planned move by Aldwinians in which the centres, their big ball carriers broke into the Bolton house and stole their prize possessions, a try and conversion the result as Bolton collectively knew that defence had to improve.

Throughout the first half Bolton’s strength again came from the consistent rolling maul and tight quarters, captain Sam “Grey Goose” Hilton rallied his forwards into 3rd and then 4th gear as they started to make ground against a well organised defensive unit. The physical side that Bolton had shown throughout the season only came from a couple of players on a day where they needed all 15 players to front up, as normal the Nasty Boys tag team champions Moat(cooper) and Butt (Mee) were the two leading by example as the Bolton forward unit tried bringing the game onto their terms. Good initial line out ball from the arrow spinner Chris “Notre Dame” Cockton gave Bolton much needed confidence from set pieces.

Whatever ball the half back brothers of James “Slum dog” Singleton and Mike “Slum Cat” Singleton had throughout was limited to inside ball’s or kicks as the well organised Aldwinians team pressed with desire and put Bolton onto the back foot time after time. Cosmetic replacement Rhys “MJ” Pritchard stepped in for the injured Will “Daddy or chips? Definitely chips” Swift who hurt his shoulder with 5-10minutes on the clock.

The Bolton scrum was also a good part of the away teams game in the first half, the referee managed to give over five free kicks to the Bolton side for infringements in the scrum however these free kicks became on the whole unpunished both from a points and a card point of view, the Aldwinian props lucky not to see yellow as the pressure from the Bolton props was similar to rhino butting a page of A4 paper.

Shane “Ronnie” O’Sullivan the only beneficiary of the half with one penalty kick in a 40 minutes Bolton would probably like to forget, Aldwinians strong backline ran two further tries in beneath the posts as the travelling side failed to control the Aldwinian onslaught. Half time couldn’t come soon enough.

Half Time Score: Aldwinians 21 – 3 Bolton

The hardest job on the field was coach Holmes’ as he tried to rally a very much exhausted Bolton team, what exactly was said I couldn’t tell you because I was talking to the Aldwinian version of Nick Bridges in the club bar. Nice lad, good memory.

As the second half kicked off the away team had made changes, good players were replaced with players of equal ability and this meant the home teams momentum stayed strong. Bolton were again forced to make a change when outside centre Doctor Oliver Medicine woman hurt his Lateral meniscus articular cartililage medial meniscus or to normal people his knee, special attention was sought through the Bad Santa lookalike John “hobo” Adams who confirmed the initial impression. The final Bolton substitute JP “Kung fu panda” Hardman took the field as another re-shuffle saw Pete “Attilio Lombardo” Brogan move to wing, Pritchard to centre and Hardman to second row, the ever willing hair model John “GHD(Gay hair day)” Stryker moved to the more confrontational position of no.6 to work with fellow flanker Joe “Why won’t people let me be Joe, I can’t pretend to be someone other than Joe” Smith who was having a busy day contending with the very busy Aldwinian attack.

As the veteran Singleton tried getting his backline moving the defence became too strong and limited the usually flowing Bolton attacks to bits and bobs where possible. Aldwinians on the other hand continued to attack in a murderous manner and this meant the Bolton defence became breached more in the second half, the only real Bolton break ending with a wayward pass after some miscommunication, it was just one of those days. Boltons abilities seemed to drop along with their heads as normally consistent scrums and line outs started to go against the travelling side, a shame really as the first half saw domination in these areas as Bolton attempted to attack like preying falcons around the carcass of a dead water fowl.

The highlight of the second half was a slightly late tackle from Jack Black impersonator JP “Steven the Seagull” Hardman who flattened an opposition runner like a tram hitting a small runaway Gypsy, he had clearly heard South African correspondent Lloyd “Chester Williams” Green shouting “Go through them” from the sideline….so that is what he did….to a devastating effect.

Throughout the course of the half Bolton spent the majority of the time looking at the back of the Aldwinians players heads as further points were accumulated, the main instigator being the Aldwinian full back who although resembling uncle Fester continued to run with strength and speed causing havoc amongst the away teams defence. A frustrated Bolton team looked on in despair as another loss on the road highlighted the need for more input at training where the lack of numbers contradicts people’s attitude when confronted about their whereabouts on a Tuesday & Thursday night.

A greater need for more 1st, 2nd & 3rd team players is needed down at the club throughout the week as lack of numbers and strength and depth of playing squads will without doubt hamper any chance of any team finishing the league inside the top spots, numbers have dropped from 30-40 to 10-20, compare this with the top sides who are still grinding 40+ players to training, competition for places is the only thing that will keep players on their toes and performances at 100%.

Final Score: Aldwinians 40 – 3 Bolton

The Ted Diabetes MOTM: Ash “Brock-Back Lesnar” Cooper

Scorers: N/A

Pen: O'Sullivan

Quote of the day: "If it snows this xmas I’m going Hover crafting around Jumbles.” (Mike Singleton, 2010)

* If you would like a team name please visit www.Alex-Youngmans-random-team-names.co.uk/Christopher-Reeves

** Chris Turner’s book, “Self Harming…problems and solutions” is out in all average to poor book shops from Friday.