Bolton 1st team v Hawcoat Park

A much changed Bolton 1st XV made the 4 day journey to North “Lancs” one side Hawcoat Park this week as they feebly attempted to make up for the previous three weeks which saw them lose to Trafford, Aldwinians and Garstang. Changes to the starting XV were made this week as hooker Chris “Dot” Cotton (filming a new J-Lo video in Manchester), Mike “imaginary injury” Singleton (cannot travel further than BL9 or else he melts), James “Squizzard” Singleton (filming the final of the apprentice), Danny “child are the future – bring them to rugby” Joseph (had to pick up the random child from the crèche at 4pm), and Tom “the Proclaimer” Relph (had a gig in Slovakia promoting the new Proclaimer album). Evans, O’Donahoe, Barlow, Waller, Rees, and Sandbrook all stepped in.

The majority of the Bolton contingent travelled up in a very fast, some would say “Rapid” minibus but due to time constraints had to change into their kit whilst travelling in what could only be described as the sequel to the film “Snakes on a plane”. This commotion also meant nearly half of the team ended up in some mode of travel sickness, not ideal considering a re-scheduled kick off time meant the team had 15 minutes to warm up prior to kick off, already preparation inadequate for the challenge ahead. The Bolton coaches did however try to get the team going, this despite the need to continue neck elasticity exercises on the side.**

As the game kicked off Bolton pressured the well drilled home side who themselves had outnumbered the travelling Bolton faithful 50-1, the HP forwards hammering the fringes with telling runs. Bolton’s defence did to some degree hold strong for the most part though as well drilled “tight” defence halted the constant onslaughts, the usual suspects stopping any flow in the home teams attacks, excellent bone rattlers coming in from Sam “Joe cada” Hilton, Joe “I just wanna be Joe” Smith, and Chris “Thud Butt” Mee.

As HP pressed Boltons strong defence in the tight forced the home team wide, they did break the feeble first up tackling of the away team which in the end survived without conceding because of last ditch tackling from sick note Marcus “Vegetable sick” O’Donahoe. The Bolton flood gates did however become breached just minutes later as the strong running angles from the HP backline forced 2-3 too many missed tackles from the Bolton outfit, a try and conversion the result.

A frustrated Bolton team gathered beneath the posts and outlined the need to start attacking with more purpose, this is when the team is at their best and needed to happen. The following phases saw Bolton entering the HP danger zone and a frustrated home team gave away a kickable penalty around 35m out, this was confidently slotted by the cat eared inside centre Shane “Ear-Vander Holyfield” O’Sullivan. Minutes later some illegalities at the breakdown saw Bolton fall further behind as HP extended their lead through a penalty of their own.

After 20minutes Bolton started to take control of the game, excellent play in the tight allowed the dominance of the Bolton pack to shine through, the Bolton tight five in Hilton, Ash “Raouuuuuuuul” Cooper, Mee, Chris “toblerone fringe” Turner, and Dave “The volcano” Evans* driving over the HP pack in a devastating fashion. After camping in the HP twenty-two for 10minutes Bolton’s excellent scrummaging paid off as continuous infringements in the scrum cost HP a penalty try, the conversion eaten like someone’s ear by kicker O’Sullivan***. The scores level at 10-10.

A now confident Bolton team knew the weaknesses of this HP side lay in the tight quarters and had to limit their open running play where possible. To be fair to the home side they came out fighting after the Bolton score and were paid for this spirit after another 5minutes of phase exchanges between the teams, a quick score and conversion allowed the margin to expand, the score now 17-10.

Bolton tried to break down the home side who were vigilant in their attempts to stop the flow of Bolton attacks, a turn over at the breakdown by stand in no.8 John “Andrew Stone” Stryker allowed quick ball finding its way to outside centre Jeremy “Hand Grease” Rees who’s 40m dash led to the home team scrambling to cover, a last ditch tackle from the HP full back and Boltons indecision around the ruck halted all chances of another quick score in reply, unlike Bolton’s “Keith the Beef”….. Hawcoat Park cleared there lines. With half time approaching like Gary Glitter to a park Bolton spent numerous phases attempting to halt the HP onslaught, unfortunately for Bolton this onslaught was one too many as lose tackling in the Bolton backline allowed a further home team score, this time the conversion missed.

Half Time Score: Hawcoat Park 22 – 10 Bolton 1st XV

Bolton’s coaching team of Nick “Compo” Holmes and Alex “Neck Stretches” Youngman stressed the need for greater urgency around the breakdown as quick attacking ball was there for the taking, and although Joe “The train conductor” Waller was keeping his forwards on the front foot other people had to step up and be counted.

As the game kicked off the Bolton side showed glimpses of Falcon like spirit, every player tackling with vigour and playing the half with their head and not just the heart. As Bolton pressed the impressively aggressive HP team pushed them back, mainly through the use of the boot. Bolton’s pack continued to put HP on the back foot, Joe “Joe-jit-su” Smith and John “baby face” Stryker making themselves heard in the line out. Good quick ball started to find standoff Danny “Mr Burns” Barlow who’s frail body linked well with his ever willing back three, the loud Howarth and Swift making inroads where possible.

It was from two unlikely sources however that Bolton broke the HP line, Olympic wrestler in the under 5’s division John “Leotard” Keech with a delightful inside ball saw stand in hooker Ash “what ever floats your Moat” Cooper sprinting 40m before further scrambling defence brought him down like an unlicensed Tazer gun in Northumbria. This set the platform for Boltons much needed attacks.

As the Bolton defence held strong in their 22m area the referee strangely decided to yellow card Chris “Rakishi” Mee for a first time offence at the breakdown, the confusion coming from the fact HP had themselves infringed 10+ times in the first half. With Bolton down to 7 in the scrum and defending their line a bout of strength from every member of the pack continued to push back the BIG Hawcoat park pack, this effort kept the home side at bay and the spirit in the away team at a high.

A change in the second half saw 2nd row / prop / scrum half Dave “Roy Whiting” Evans leave the field to be replaced by Nick “McLovin” Sandbrook who’s added speed and fitness complimented the rest of the Bolton outfit. With Mee back on the field and Bolton back to full strength Bolton camped in the HP 22m zone for 15-20mins as they hammered the home team with tight intense plays and barnstorming scrum after another. Unfortunately the referee failed to notice the 5 or 6 dismembered scrums that HP failed to keep intact and allowed HP to clear their lines after with standing a hammering in the corner.

HP did rally together in the final minutes of the game as they scored a well worked try in the corner to finish off the tired, travelling, re-arranged Bolton outfit. I great effort however the wrong result for the Mortfield side who’s inconsistent availability off the field is hampering the possibility of selecting a consistent team week in week out. Lack of preparation and the 6-7 forced changes to the team stopped any flow of momentum in Bolton’s favour they had from previous weeks, the players who stepped up did a great job but a good team is based on consistency and this comes with limited changes. A major call this week for people to attend training as Hutton are the visitors to the Theatre of Trees next week as they will surely be looking to keep their form going after smashing Birchfield (Bolton’s semi final opponents in the Lancs plate) last week.

Final Score: Hawcoat Park 29 – 10 Bolton 1st XV

The Macaulay Culkin MOTM award: TBC by Coaches Compo and Reevesy

Scorers: Penalty Try (One eighth of a try awarded to each Bolton forward)

Penalties: O’Sullivan

Conv: O’Sullivan

Quote of the day: “What I do is step off my left and give it inside……..” mmmmm ok??!?! (Danny “the labourer” Barlow overheard in the pub after)

* Dave Evans’s book “Like a Rat out of hell” is an insight into the Meatloaf lookalike’s life and strive when stopping his Meercat brother from eating.

**Alex Youngman’s 2nd book “Pointless Neck Stretches & other exercises” is a great fitness guide for travelling sports stars, all you need is an elastic band, strong forearms and the mental ability to look like a pillock and pull through…..all whilst travelling.

*** O’Sullivans website “I used to work in Chicago – quotes, lines and finishing moves” is accessible on all working laptops www.Shane-used-to-work-in-Chicago.com