Bolton Edge Victory Against Oldham

Baldwell was a late call up from the 3rd team which threw him into an impressive strop. On what was an extremely hot day Oldham had decided to put us on a very wide pitch.

The weather and oversized pitch was obviously something of an issue for Captain Nick ‘Fatter Twin’ Sandbrook, who struggles with fitness in general. With impressive foresight he was instead playing for Bolton 1st XV, meaning that the seconds were finally free to play without his lack of pace/vision/ability constraining them.

Bolton lost the toss and kicked to Oldham with the sun and wind behind us. An almost identical start to the previous week saw Oldham scored first as Bolton still hadn’t turned up. Oldham missed the conversion. This sprung Bolton into life as they hit straight back with a try from Matthew Parrish from a 5 metre scrum. Converted by Price.

The game was very open with both teams looking to use the space out wide. Bolton were getting very quick ball and looked like scoring a couple of times but knock ons hindered Bolton scoring. Good running from Parrish’s head were getting Bolton on the front foot and allowing he who shall remain nameless to get the backline going forward. Oldham conceded a penalty in front of the sticks which was kicked by Price. Manny was next to go over from a big overlap, the conversion missed.

Oldham then came back at Bolton, breaking the defensive line and racing away to score. David Ormes was first to a bouncing ball inside the Oldham 22 and kicked and chased only to be tackled by an Oldham player off the ball who was losing the foot race. As Ormes was about to chuck his toys out the pram, Mark ‘Semi on’ Crow grounded the loose ball to score. The ref then pointed out it would have been a penalty try anyway. The conversion missed by Price.

In the second half Bolton came out of the blocks and with a break from the base of a ruck; Rick ‘Tackle Him Dave’ Sandbrook put Tom Price into space before grubber kicking through for Caswell to chase and score, the try converted by Price.

It wasn’t long before Bolton was in the Oldham 22 again and one of our ginger centres crashed over under the sticks (we think it was probably Murtagh who scored).

After nearly missing a try up against Broughton, Barlow went one better this week. With an easy two on one he decided the best option was to go and get himself tackled and not score. To be fair, most of the team admitted they wouldn’t have put Ryan ‘I’m top of the debtors list and proud’ Wignall in for a try either.

Ryan ‘National debt of Iran’ Wignall then broke down the wing, drew the full back and put Alex Quegan in for a try. The conversion kicked by Price. Ormes then decided it was time for his stupid penalty of the week, when an Oldham player lay over the ball in a ruck, he stamped all over his back only for the ref to reverse the penalty he had just awarded us.

Oldham then went to uncontested scrums and seemed to bring centres on at prop. They then mounted a comeback in the last 15 minutes to bring it back to 39-31, mostly through their centre – the human triangle.

Bolton would have clearly benefitted at this stage from having an inside centre on the pitch. Perhaps we did, but everyone’s memory is slightly hazy on that topic for some reason.

Bolton then used some common sense and ran the clock down with lots of pick and goes by the forwards from the back of the ruck. Oldham then conceded a penalty and with no time for a lineout Bolton kicked to touch to get a hard fought victory which at several stages throughout the game it looked would be lost.

Final Score 39-31

Tries: Matthew Parrish, Mark Crow, Manny Tailor, A Ginger Centre of Unknown Name, Phil Caswell, Alex Quegan
Conversions, Price x 3
Penalties, Price x 1

MOTM - Alex Quegan, awesome game and amazing workrate all day.

Soft Lad Award – Goes to Richard 'I'm tired so I'm going to stretch my leg at a scrum and pretend to be injured' Sandbrook. From a penalty a big player ran at Rick and Big Dave. Richard ‘Made by Pilkington’ Sandbrook squealed in an incredibly girly voice “Tackle him Dave”

Critically Ill Award – Ryan ‘I lost 30 stone in a day’ Wignall who has obviously contracted the bad aids

Person Most Likely To Overheat Award - Manny 'The Human Blanket' Tailor for his impressive covering of fur

Worst Attempt at Playing 9 Trophy - Rick 'Well Known Car Valuations Company' Sandbrook