Bolton kick off New Year in fine form

What with the festive period and a couple of postponements in December  the usual crowd flooded back to HQ Avenue Street looking a little rounder (*cough* Nick Sandbrook ), with boots a little moldier, full bottles of Christmas gift shampoo and all in all eager to get back into playing.

A New Year perhaps but the same problems persisted with an ever increasing injury / unavailable list seeing the revolving door player policy of 2nds continue and the pitch needing some serious graft over the week to be deemed playable. Still playable it was, and although one goalkicker will claim that conditions were unagreeable with a strong wind making penalties in front of the sticks impossible it was great weather for rugby. Nice try though Rob ‘sponsored by Lovell Rugby’ Terry.

I shall start of course at the beginning, which in this case unusually was Friday night where unconfirmed (read confirmed) reports of the 2nd teams invisible man and supposed captain Nick ‘naked burgers’ Sandbrook being out drinking filtered through to the clubs flashing red Batcave style phone (usually reserved for undercover Agent Tom Relph to contact his Cumbrian handlers). Sandbrook was consequently dropped to the first team leaving the seconds to cope with just one twin made of glass and his already injured hand, or is that wrist? *Having emailed undercover mole Tom Relph it has been confirmed as a wrist injury* 

Squad news time and the biggy was the return of Marcus ‘took the name Team Impact waaaaaaaaay too literally’ O’Donohoe from his broken leg slotting in at fullback. Also back from his knee injury Ian ‘Trig shorts’ Morton started at prop while Alex Reilly and Haider Maliki stepped into the back row and Alex Sugden completed a youthful center pairing. A special mention also to Nick Bridges for offering to bench for us.

The day started unusually when for perhaps the first time ever an argument broke out over who wanted to play prop, quite the deviation from our usual beg, steal and borrow approach I can tell you. It was eventually settled that Chris ‘total d’ Turner would prop with JP ‘ADANTAGE ADVANTAGE ADVANTAGE GRRRRRRRRRR’ Hardman in the second row.

With Bolton winning the toss and captain Rick ‘glass wrist’ Sandbrook choosing to wisely play with the wind everyone was well aware how much a good start was needed. Instead it was a quiet start from both sides as they learned to cope with the wind, meaning that good strike running from Ian Morton and Jay ‘3pm is fun time’ Cheetham was wasted as passes boomeranged in the 9/10 channel. Bolton slowly began to assert some pressure and dominance with a scrum that would be on top all afternoon and the howitzer boot of Chris ‘whys that prop kicking?’ Turner putting Bolton in great positions.

A few chances went begging with both pack and backs being at fault on occasion and all being at fault for at times trying to force the offload. The pack initially went close with a Pete ‘Murtagh’ Marriott assisted maul just being held short and Haider ‘how do I say your name again’ Maliki just being deemed short of the line from the resultant pick and go phases. Then Neil ‘sextape’ Carlisle looked to have got around the defence out wide only to run into some great cover Hoppers defence. With the half approaching Bolton knew they had to turn a chance into a score. With the backs hands finally working Bolton stretched Preston left and then right leaving young winger and speedster James Timms room on the outside of the defence to breeze (wind puns brilliant) home into the right hand corner. A fine attempt at the conversion followed from Rob Terry but despite judging the wind perfectly it just didn’t have enough puff to sail over. You best get store up this niceness Terry, you know whats coming.

HT Score 5 – 0

It was a nervy Bolton who turned around at half time knowing that without the advantage of the wind they would be in for a challenge. Preston sensed this also and started the half with great gusto (gusto geddit? How witty.) kicking well with the wind and using a solid rolling maul to good affect. Some top drawer goal line defence being needed as well as Boltons secret weapon Mark ‘Afroman’ Crow who as well as being everywhere in the loose also conspired to constantly turn over Preston ball from the maul.

Bolton weathered the Preston storm (ok we get it, it was windy, stop it already) and looked to pull away in spite of the wind. Solid hands from the backs again found Timms on the outside to speed into the corner. I’m not sure on the conversion, but knowing Terry he probably missed. 10 – 0. And then the drama, as they kept the pressure on Bolton were awarded a penalty in front of goal, an unmissable penalty one might say. The wind fell completely still, the crowd fell hushed as Robert ‘ding’ Terry stepped up and spooned the kick onto the post. All it would have taken was a ball hitting him in the face at one point and Terry would have been declared the new Agent Relph, thankfully that ignominy didn’t befall our ginger midget. P.s I’ve since seen stories that Terry is blaming a man in a hat who stood next to the posts for him missing, what a sore loser eh?

A substitution to report as retired prop Dave ‘Meatloaf’ Evans nipped onto the field for his afternoon jaunt unusually being allowed to play in his favored second row berth in replace of Ian Morton. Continuing to hold the ball in the Preston half a Bolton scrum found ten Rick Sandbrook with a defensive dog leg in his eye line and an angled run leading to a pretty simple try under the posts. Terry putting his demons behind him and stepping up to add the extras.

A special moment followed, one that was more unusual than the previous argument over propping or even JP Hardman managing to catch so many kick offs as Dave Evans made an unusual appearance somewhere near a ruck (in his defence it had formed on the wing…) a turnover ensued and a swift counter sending the ball wide to James ‘The juggler’ Timms saw him race clear from close to half way to under the sticks. Very lucky you gather that young Timms, jug avoidance is a heinous crime and carries punishment too heinous to note here… Conversion added by someone in a Rob Terry mask.

There was time for more to follow, again Bolton headed wide and Neil ‘JLS’ Carlisle raced clear only to again be thwarted by Prestons cover defence, offloads followed and the ball dropped loose for returning Marcus ‘angry angry man’ O’Donohoe to chip on and gather under the posts for a try on his return to rugby after a 6 month injury absence. Again the conversation added by a man in a Terry mark. With time running down Bolton brought on Nick Bridges for Alex Reilly and that really was about that.

F/T Score Bolton 2nd XV 31 v 0 Preston Grasshoppers 4th XV

Tries – Timms (x3), R Sandbrook, O’Donohoe
Conversions – Terry x3
Fraser Hart MOM – Mark Crow

The Award for worst ever penalty (well since Danny Barlow played at least) - Rob Terry
The Calm down dear Award for being an angry, angry man – A shocker here as Marcus O’Donohoe, JP Hardman and Haider Maliki all share the top prize.
The ‘Why haven’t you played like that before?’ Award – Jay Cheetham
The Agent Relph award for saying something stupid continually and despite being informed otherwise – Tom Relph
 

Match report by the world famous Rick Sandbrook (as we all know Big Dave has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the creation of these reports).