Ashton on Mersey 2nd XV v Bolton 2nd XV

...take a big step to being safe from the drop.

Bolton welcomed Andy Pilling into the second row for his second team debut, Johnny 'The original knock on nickname' Hill into the back row and saw Mark 'much chubbier than he used to be' Townsend return from injury to step in at hooker.

The day started as all should, with some ludicrous fines being handed out, alleged Captain Fat Nick 'less than inspirational leadership' Sandbrook still absent with his calf injury or staying home to eat all the cakes Vicki had made for their house warming later that evening, Jay Cheetham with a pint and Dave ‘Hahahahaha step ladder hahahaha’ Ormes laughing uncontrollably at a joke that was at best completely average. Then again after his dump truck acrobatics maybe he was just happy to be the right way up…

Bolton won the toss and elected to kick apparently with Ashton starting the brighter, controlling possession and using their large pack runners to good effect. Bolton immediately started to give away too many penalties at the breakdown, unusually these not all coming from Dave Ormes. This led to Ashton getting the first points of the day with a penalty bang in-front of the sticks. Both teams struggled to gain a handle on the referee leading to a fractured game with both sets of players struggling to gain momentum due to constant scrums and penalties.

Ashton were playing the conditions well utilising the howitzer boot of their fly half and disrupting Bolton lineout ball well, while Bolton despite a good looking short bursts were unable to link many phases together.

Now we come to the sole reason I agreed to write this report, the Big Momma, Cheese and Kahuna all rolled into one. It all started with an Ashton clearance kick, a cynic may even suggest that they have been reading our top notch match reports as said clearance kick went high and straight to… I’ll give you three guesses… our very own Cumbrian undercover mole Thomas ‘Come on guys this is getting old now’ Relph.

Not content with merely knocking on with his usual panache Tom 'you do realise it was LAST season I cost you the league win don't you' Relph proceeded to run around in circles, arms out stretched underneath the incoming ball like something you would see in Tom and Jerry cartoons until the ball inevitably clattered into his arms and flew forward. Now one illustration isn’t enough given this gift of an event, I hope you have all seen Only Fools and Horses, the chandelier one? ‘Steady now Rodney’ and all that jazz when Albert drops the wrong one? It was exactly like that, you knew what was coming but it was still crying with laughter funny.

The half ended with both teams trading penalties, Robert Terry with ours while Jay Cheetham not content with the half time break approaching decided he needed an early rest and saw yellow for Boltons somewhat persistent infringements.

Half time score 6-3 (even though our dear Captain Rick Sandbrook thought it was 9-3, despite the big scoreboard in the corner…)

Not much to report on in the second half, Bolton tried to get going but Ashton controlled the game well while handling errors and a perhaps whistle happy referee preventing anything from being created. With maybe 10 minutes left Bolton leaked another penalty in front of the sticks and Ashton took the chance to convert and take a deserved 9-3 lead. Bolton kept trying to get a score right to the last play of the game but alas it didn’t seem meant to be, Ashton deserving of the win and Bolton being far too penalty happy to challenge, which will need to be cut down upon if Bolton are to get any positive results from the upcoming final 3 games of the season.

F/T Score 9-3

Fraser Hart MOM: Pete Brogan/Nick Sandbrook

The Tom Relph Award – A shock here – Matthew Parrish – for what I am told was excellent ball to face comedy material

The David Ormes Penalty award – Jay Cheetham