Bolton 2nd XV vs Vale of Lune 3rd XV

Bolton’s transport system seemed under extreme pressure this weekend as hundreds of people entered the town, the majority of people were in town for the UK craft fair at the Reebok Stadium which specializes in Jewelry, textiles and art*. The other few hundred were arriving to watch another form of art, this art involves athletes on the top of their game; Bolton 2XV vs. Vale of Lune 3XV.

As I sat waiting for the match to start I couldn’t help but notice the vibrant atmosphere building around the Theatre of Trees, people stood with a smile on their face either eating a pie or drinking a smooth pint of bitter, the tramp who lives in the woods on Avenue street even put his needle away for 80 mins as he didn’t want to miss Bolton’s premiere rugby side. Bolton 2XV welcomed Vale Of Lune 3XV to Avenue Street, Vale are a rather well known club based in Lancaster.

The M6 motorway passes to the east of Lancaster, with junctions 33 and 34 to the south and north respectively. The numbers 33 and 34 also ring common in the Bolton 2XV, stand off Mike “Red turning grey Squirrel” Singleton is now a whopping 33 stone and his inside centre Pete “the meat” Marriott is in his 34th year playing senior rugby at Bolton RUFC. The city of Lancaster itself entertains contestants in the Lancaster International Youth Games yearly, a multi-sport 'Olympic' style event, featuring competitors from Lancaster's twin towns: Rendsburg (Germany), Perpignan (France), Viana do Castelo (Portugal), Aalborg (Denmark), Almere (Netherlands), Lublin (Poland) and Växjö (Sweden).

In an extraordinary bout of circumstance Bolton’s 2nd row Jason Cheetham is from Aalborg in Denmark, his parents Ged and Mary both met at the University of Aalborg and conceived Jason in the local petting area, Sohngaardsholms Park. However due to Jason’s camp appearance and rather large ears he was subject to intimidation and mocking, he was nicknamed “Bat Fink” which in Danish means “Park child with an ugly demeanor”. They moved to Horwich in 1989 where he became friends with another odd child, Anthony “Auto Knee” McLaughlin and took the name Jay, however for now we will call him Jason.

Bolton were still missing captain John Keech who this week had to attend his cousins dog’s sisters rabbits friends wedding. Bolton welcomed Tom Relph back to the 2XV and his rightful location of the bench after spending time in the first team, presumably cleaning boots or hanging shirts on coat pegs...but we were glad to have him back (honestly). Also back into the fray was “Injury lawyers for You” salesman and local hypochondriac Rick “Mr glass” Sandbrook who started at Scrum half, and the team welcomed back Andy Goode’s best friend from school Leigh “I hate Andy Goode” Mcdermott who slotted in a hooker for the first time since 1998. Chris “Iphone 5 – yes that’s right” Turner stood in again as caretaker captain.

As the much anticipated game started Bolton looked to start fast as they had done the previous week, they attacked Vale with a flurry of rapid runs, eventually scoring in the corner through their spritely young prop Gareth “Welsh Cliché” Evans, the conversion missed by Mike “Squizzy” Singleton.

Vale reacted in a positive way minutes later as they scored a try of their own and then a penalty in quick succession giving them the lead. Bolton’s young(ish) team rallied, the ever active and annoying back row of Johnny “Knock on” Hill, Alex “Keith Cheggars” Queggars (Quegan) and Gaz “Seamus from WWE” Pritchard all having barnstormers continuously winning the ball at the breakdown and setting a good platform for Rick “my body is sugar glass” Sandbrook. But it was the Bolton backline who were proving too hot to handle, Singleton was using his players to great affect...Pete “Living on a prayer” Marriott and Will “White men can’t jump” Bates** creating havoc against a good Vale side who couldn’t help but leave an overlap on more than one occasion.

The rest of the first half turned into a battle for possession, both teams contesting well for the ball where possible. The game was also being refereed by an ex Premiership referee who took patronising to a new level, with both teams receiving a verbal directive on how today’s youngsters know more RFU rules, this was something both captains had to take on the chin(s)...I am sure the issue came down to miss-communication. The first half ended like Bill Clinton would’ve liked it....a tight affair involving plenty of blowing (due to the heat).

Half Time: Bolton 2XV 5 – 8 Vale Of Lune 3XV

Bolton’s changes this week were made by the club coach and ever unpresent vice captain Tom “Absent father” Relph, Sandbrook pre-empted a second half injury and made way for Rob “chocolate orange” Terry, massive Colin Montgomery fan Rhys “Silicone Grease” Pritchard replaced Marriott in the centre’s and Tom “Penfold” Relph replaced the politician Dave “Have no fear” Meir in the no.15 position who had a quiet game by his high standards.

Bolton started the second half quicker than the first and some slick handling saw Belarussian winger Ryan “Beavis & Butthead” Wignall scoring after the hard work from his team mates, great ground made by Marcus “Double life” O’Donohoe and his fellow back line meant Bolton were back in control. The conversion was slotted by Rob “Juniper Berry” Terry. The score now 12-8.

As the second half moved on the Bolton line out started to cause problems for the away side, the flying squirrel Quegan constantly putting himself on the line as his lifters used him as a battering ram in the air, further down the line Jason “GED” Cheetham, Hill and Gaz Sheeran all making it difficult on the Vale ball.

The next score was also to come from Bolton, again a slick backs move involving several players saw rapper Will Bates break free like a bald Freddie Mercury and off load to the ever supporting Leigh “MMMMayyyate” McDermott who sprinted beneath the posts, the conversion kicked by Terry. The score 19-8.

As the match heated up, so did the referee’s card’s. Johnny “There’s a party on the” Hill saw yellow for striking a “helpless” opponent and the extremely over excited Vale flanker (who resembled Richard O’Brien from the Crystal Maze (but with ADHD)) saw yellow for his involvement in one of his 49 seperate penalties. Hill later confessed that he likes watching the film “The Legend of Drunken Master” starring Jackie Chan in which a young martial artist is caught between respecting his pacifist father's wishes or stopping a group of disrespectful foreigners from stealing precious artifacts, Johnny admitted that his father was encouraging his violence on the pitch, especially once he’d found out the person he’d struck was an ex French museum burglar from Brive, oh that really stirred his emotions.

The final score of the game came from local DJ’s assistant Ryan “Pass me that CD” Wignall who again crossed the whitewash when Bolton’s attacking prowess took a hold, Bolton’s forwards seemed to have worn the Vale pack down which meant the backline found more grace out wide, excellent ground from Wignall’s opposite winger Couscous O’Donohoe initially put the Vale defence on the back foot. The conversion again added beneath the posts from Bobby Terry. The score now an unreachable 26-8 to the home side.

With the game moving to a close both teams kept up the tempo with Bolton keeping out the Vale attack one last time, this was after a monster kick from veteran Marriott made 2.5m and put the Bolton team in defensive mode. Bolton travel to local rivals Blackburn next weekend, this falls on Filipino racing car driver Angelo Barretto’s birthday the 29th September. A true legend.

Bolton will be hoping to take advantage of their recent good form. Happy birthday Billie Piper.

Final Score: Bolton 2XV 26 – 8 Vale Of Lune 3XV

MOTM: Gaz “Chesney off Corrie” Pritchard / Alex “Peter Barlow” Quegan.

Tries: Wignall (2), McDermott, Evans, G.

Convs: Robert “Give me some cherry” Terry (3)

Comment of the day, "Jesus wants me to play no.10, I make people’s lives easy and by nature I am unselfish. I also am quite partial to Italian food and scampi” Mike Singleton, 2012.

*For further info on the UK crafts fair please visit: http://www.ukcraftfairs.com
**Will Bates new album, “Bringing back the Bates” is out this Friday. RRP £8.99.(Attached is the album cover).

Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.