Bolton 2xv Vs. Blackburn 2xv

This Saturday Christianity returned to Blackburn in the form of Bolton 2XV who’s new found belief in rugby stems from the in house preacher and ginger bible basher Michael “Max Branning” Singleton who has inspired the Bolton team to victories in their last two games.

Blackburn itself is a former Mill town where textiles have been produced since the middle of the 13th Century, when wool was woven in people’s houses....this is probably why Bolton’s captain Tom “Jimmy Saville” Relph felt so at home after being caught naked with several sheep in July 2010 whilst camping in the lake District, although everyone knows this is true it has never been officially confirmed*.

The heavy down pour in the previous week leading up to the game meant normal captain John Keech was stuck at his house which is now surrounded by water, many believe that Keech doesn’t exist, although people have seen a similar figure acting in London’s West end, this particular play is “The Scarlet Pimpernel”, another sighting has been noted in the Botany Bay museum where he is said to present a weekly “dummy runner” session for adults aged between 18-32yrs.

Bolton’s team warmed up for the game in somewhat windy conditions which meant handling was a tad below the normal standard, i.e. a 2% catch to pass rate. One person missing as normal was local rag and bone man Mark Townsend whose time keeping leaves much to be desired . Mark Townsend was originally named Mark Townshend and is the brother of rock artist Pete Townshend, they both grew up in Chiswick, London in the 1950’s and 60’s.

After a dispute with his brother over “Who becomes red more under pressure” in 1964 Mark changed his name by removing the “H” and moving to Bolton where he started to make money by impersonating Eastenders actor Steve McFadden. This job however fell through and Mark started his rag and bone business “Rag and Boner” which is now the North West’s leading franchise in collecting other peoples stuff. However Mark could not completely de-associate himself with his long lost brother as they have several things in common, both Mark & Pete are partially deaf...and both have items on their hard drives they would like to forget. Today Mark “Phil Mitchell” Townsend started at hooker next to fellow dogger Manny “Danger mouse” Tailor who’s played in his strongest and most familiar position of tight head prop.

Bolton kicked off into the wind and soon realised that they’d be up against it for the first 40mins, but without being outdone by the weather Bolton started the brightest and scored in the corner after some excellent handling in the backline, this time the try was scored by Marcus “Earthworm Jim” O’Donohoe, the conversion missed by Terry.

With the Bolton defence all looking like Michael Jackson in the music video for “The Earth Song” the Blackburn players started to make their move and scored not long after, by adding a conversion and then a penalty shortly after Blackburn suddenly found themselves in the lead and confident of victory. The score 10-5 to the home side.

Bolton then started to make inroads into the Blackburn half, fantastic work by the Bolton flankers Joe “Gimp Boots” Smith and Alex “Peter Barlow” Quegan snaffled much of the Blackburn possession which allowed Bolton’s backline extra time and space to run at the Blackburn defence which stood strong when the Bolton onslaught started, firstly through seasoned professional Pete “Horse and Chariot” Marriott and then by debutant Alex “Showaddywaddy” Waddicar who made life difficult for the home team all afternoon alongside winger Ryan.

Changes had to be made throughout the first half as youngster Gaz “Twitter Rant” Pritchard left the field after a bang to the knee, interchanges saw Horwich’s version of Oscar Pistoris in Tony “Bionic Man” McLaughlin join the game and then troubled child David “14? That’ll do” Ormes came onto the pitch to fill the quota for “slightly retarded” individuals section of the RFU fair play system.

Half Time: Blackburn 2XV 10 – 5 Bolton 2XV

Bolton used the wind in the second half to great effect, standoff Singleton used his extra layers of skin as sails which moved his speed up from 0.5mph to 1.2mph, other players such as Danish second row Jason “Bat fink” Cheetham followed suit, he used his ears for extra velocity. With the wind Bolton’s game started to come together, the fast back three combination(s) of proclaimer Relph, debutant Adam “Saving Private” Ryan, Shoveler O’Donohoe and James “Bobby Mimms” Timms started to make the larger older Blackburn backline think twice about their positioning.

The Bolton forwards also started to impose themselves on the Blackburn pack, runs from Mark “Deaf-inately maybe” Towns(h)end, Geoff “My name is” Earle and the walking eye brow Dave Ormes saw Blackburn on the back foot, however the turning point in the game when the Subbuteo sized scrum half Rob “Buffalo Berry” Terry was sin binned for a HIGH tackle, rumour has it that Terry used a step ladder to reach his taller opponent and he saw 10mins for his sins.

With the team down to 14 players Bolton seemed to kick into gear, a great move down the open side saw Timms released, the ball eventually found its way to the diving Salmon Tony “Go Go Gadget arms” McLaughlin whose athletic frame grabbed the ball and grounded it like a brown bear trying to open a coconut, the conversion was slotted with majestic ease from out wide by Thunderboot. The score now 12-10 to Bolton.

The next 5mins saw two more scores as the Bolton team rallied and took advantage of some weak Blackburn defending, both scores came through excellent and explosive Bolton attacking involving several players and both tries came through winger James “Slimmy” Timmy Timms whose pace was too much for the floundering Blackburn players, both conversions added by Thunderboot. The score now 26-10.

Bolton’s domination started to take hold, and much like a runaway maths teacher they edged further away from the chasing team. Tom “Jeremy Forrest” Relph sprinted away to the chants of “Run Forrest Run” for his score again beneath the oppositions posts, you guessed it...the conversion drop kicked by Thunderboot.

With the score at 33-10 Blackburn stood little chance of bouncing back, and Bolton’s new ruthless streak started to hurt the wounded Lancastrian animals. Huntsman and local CRB avoider David “The babysitter” Ormes then broke the line and rushed under the posts from 45-50m, his Kenyan-type body working like a fine paralympian scoring under the posts, the conversion added by Timmy Timms (as Thunderboot was having a rest at the half way point).

The final score of the game came after Blackburn worked hard to score beyond the Bolton whitewash, a turnover ball from a double tackle from Jason “Bat Fink” Cheetham and CSI Miami Smith saw the ball released to the ever eager James “Bottle of Pimms” Timms who ran in from 95m to seal a superb hat trick, Rob “Tickle my cherry” Terry topped off his magical game by missing from out on the left. The final score 45-10 to Bolton 2XV.

On 6th October 2012 Bolton travel to De La Salle 2XV in what is sure to be a good battle, On this date in 1981 Pete Marriott led the Bolton 1st XV to victory and Mike Singleton was celebrating his 16th Birthday, unfortunately also on this date in 1981 the Egyptian President Anwar Sadat was assassinated while attending a parade in Cairo, the Bolton 2XV will aim to honour him with a win as he was a keen follower of Bolton RUFC.

Final Score: Blackburn 2XV 10 – 45 Bolton 2XV

MOTM: James “Timmy Timmy” Timms – Hat trick topped off a solid game.

Tries: Couscous, Relph, Timms (3), Bionic Tony, Ormes.

Convs: Thunderboot Kwis(4), Timms (1).

Comment of the day, "What?I am partially deaf in one ear” – after being caught with his hand in the cookie jar for the 12th time in 5mins. ( Mark “Ludwig Van Beethoven” Townsend, 2012.)

*DEFINATELY TRUE

Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.