Bolton 2XV 24 - 5 Oldham 2XV

A strong Bolton 2XV entertained an aggressive Oldham 2XV at the Theatre of Trees this weekend, a couple of changes mid week saw International prop forward and keen rare coin collector Manny Tailor return to the fold and Second row forward / Jacamo model Geoff Earle move upwards to the Bolton 1XV in search of their 5th straight win. Also returning were Norwich born twins Tom & Oliver Relph, local tapestry expert Danny Ryder and Belgravia test student Leigh McDermott.

The following team was selected, the description of the player after is taken straight from the Urban dictionary*:

There are a total of 8 complete lies from 18, can you find them?

1)Turner - To reciprocate and eat the balls of a suspended yankee. “While his balls were being soundly yankeed by Jim, Hal decided that he was in the mood to do some Turnering himself!”

2)McDermott – Someone who ends every sentence with the word Mate. “Alright mate. Yeah I went to shops and bought a packet of skittles mate”

3)Manny - Overweight wimpy male who is denied a life of his own due to being a slave to his wife. “When Greg got married his wife turned him into such a manny.”

4)Townsend - To vomit very early in an evening out. "He went out for an all night session but Townsended on his shoes at just 8 o'clock."

5)Cheetham - When one guy is screwed by another gorgeous lad. a long screw with lots of stamina. “My word, Ive just been Cheetham'd. I loved it.”

6)Hill – A male who uses too many abbreviations. “Jesus and the Spartans, last night was a spesh one thy tell you, San An loves J-Bone Hillster”

7)Brogan - A brogan is an extremely large poo which has several qualifications....a) In excess of 8 inches b) 2 inch girth c) a lightish brown color d) some sort of abnoctious activity in the bowl, ie. curling, skids, floating e) some level of pride in your accomplishment. *Bathroom door opens* “MALE: Hun, i just did a brogan! FEMALE Thats great baby im so proud!”

8)Pritchard – A ginger male who is extremely passionate about dancing in fancy dress. “Woah look at Pritchard again busting some moves, what a legend”. To actually see Gaz Pritchard dancing in his spiderman costume please follow this link (genuinely): http://youtu.be/Tq9c7U-72vA

9) Terry - When a man accidentally outlines his genitals through use of tight clothing. Named after Terry Wogan. "These skinny jeans give me such a Terry."

10)Singleton - A singleton is the name associated with women that only have one nipple. The name originated from England, when a girl by the name of "Singleton", who was later found to be mentally challenged, was found running down a busy motorway completely naked. The most distinguishing feature of the crazed girl was the fact that she had a large right breast and a "deflated" left which did not show any form of nipple. Thus, the term "Singleton" was born. "Holy fuck bitch, you got a damn singleton, get off my ****!"

11)Ryder - A badass or a hardass, someone who is down for anything. “After a fight gangbangers will yell “Im a ryder”, or if confronted they or their homeboys will yell “Im/he's a ryder!”

12)Keech(c) - A Vagina. “Damn, my Keech is on fire today!”

13)Relph – The brother of someone who cannot catch. “Come on Relphy, don’t turn out like your kid.”

14)Brown – A small, quiet unassuming chap who dresses as a woman at weekends. “You going down to Brown town tonight, dressed as Cindy Crawford?”

15)Relph, T – An individual who struggles to catch anything. “Kick the ball to Relphy, his hands are like melted cheese.”

16)Marriott – A ginger ex wrestler with a deluded view he looks good dancing naked to Bon Jovi’s 1986 hit record “Living on a prayer”. “Look at ginger Marriott busting a move with his tally whacker out.”

17)Meir - A sexy guy. Generally thought to be very good with ladies. Can hold his alchohol, generally a party guy. "Man, did you see Dave last night, that dude was a Meir!" "Dude, I wish I could be smooth as a Meir..."

18)Quegan – A descendant of “water criers”. “Roll up up come and get your water.....watER waTER wATER WATER!!"

Bolton dominated the first half like a fat woman eating a double cheeseburger, Gaz “Ben Kidd” Pritchard scored a brace of tries after strong runs, ginger whistleblower Mike “Singy the Dinghy” Singleton pounced on a loose ball like JP Hardman on a bottle of whiskey to score after a Gaz Pritchard charge down and Robert “Travelling berry” Terry kicked two from three conversions. The rest of the half consisted of Bolton transferring excellent defence into bewildering attacks.

The Relph brothers continued to hood wink the Oldham defence with their circus routine of catch and pass deception whilst scrum half Rob Terry put Bolton on the front foot with his man of the match display before he parts to the big smoke. As a parting gift Terry has a DVD coming out this xmas called “Jimmy Krankie’s Xmas vacations” in which he travels to Lapland, Bognor Regis, and London giving out presents to injured rugby players.

Half Time: Bolton 2XV 19 – 0 Oldham 2XV

As the second half began the BNP members of Oldham’s 2XV continued to trouble the Bolton defence with aggressive runs but in turn Bolton’s aggression proved better as the Oldham players were driven backwards time after time. Another area of continuous domination came in the tight where Bolton’s scrum constantly moved Oldham backwards despite the psychological rants of Oldham’s giant tight head prop who’s confidence wasn’t to be sniffed at.

The game continued but in a stop – start manner for the remainder of the game, the highlight of the second half being the inspirational run by the Northern hemispheres greatest tackler / dummy runner of all time John “Those who can’t?” Keech who trundled in from 25m with the ball closely snuggled under his arm like Mike Singleton hiding a bag of crisps from his girlfriend.

Bolton switched off for a brief spell of complacency in which Oldham scored a try out wide, the conversion was missed. The win consolidated Bolton’s position at 4th in the table in which they lie 2 points adrift of De La Salle in 3rd but four points ahead of Eccles 2XV in 5th.
Next week Bolton 2XV travel to the smallish club Sedgley Park where they would hope to carry on their winning streak, however the next three games will be the sternest tests for Bolton as Preston Grasshoppers and Fylde follow the Sedgley Park game leading up to the xmas bonanza.

Final Score: Bolton 2XV 24 – 5 Oldham 2XV

The following tribute is to Robert Terry who is moving to London as this is being written, his tireless efforts this season have seen him cement his place as scrum half for the current most successful team of 2012 at Bolton RUFC.

Robert grew up as a girl called Janette Tough on the 16 May 1947 in Queenzieburn, Stirlingshire, Scotland. Throughout the 80’s Robert performed with his then husband “Hang” in pantomimes as the Krankies. However in 1992 Janette and Hang Tough divorced and Janette’s life would never be the same again. Janette became Robert Terry by deed poll and underwent a s*x change / age transplant and moved to Bolton, England where he became fascinated with rugby and in particular the showers. Robert took up acting as himself in 1996 in which he landed the role of Krang in the TV hit cartoon “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, this role lasted for 4 years until Krang’s character died in a S&M freak accident in which he was found chained to the hind legs of a male goat. Mr Terry has now secured further acting work in London and it surely will not be long before we seen him back on our screens as a small ginger man.

MOTM: Robert “Juniper Berry” Terry

Tries: Pritchard (2), Singleton, Keech.

Convs: Terry (2)

Comment of the day: “As i walked out on the paddock today guys I could smell the blood of the opposition, I felt free, free as a bird. I had to prove to others that I am the best, therefore I showed Oldham how to play standoff....basically it was a case of “50 shades of Squizz”” (Mike Singleton, 2012)

*Only some of the comments were taken from the Urban dictionary.

Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.