Sedgley Park 3XV 12 - 25 Bolton 2XV

As Saturday morning drew in, the sun didn’t seem to rise and there was a cold, damp twilight saga feeling to the day. Bolton’s second XV captain John Keech had a full squad, a team of highly capable individuals, predators, and an extremely confident team. As Bolton’s first team game was called off, presumably Burnley’s 100ft drainage fall wasn’t enough to flee the pitch of rain water, either that or the thought of stopping a fully fuelled “line out supremo” John Stryker was a mental image too strong, a 12” pizza and cheesecake is the new recommended diet pre game. Captain Keech’s phone started a festival of callers, texters and twitterers asking for accommodation within the 2nd XV. Unfortunately for the spare 1st XV players the 2nd XV squad was full, fortunately for the 2nd XV they knew the team listed on Thursday was more than capable of extending the current unbeaten run, and 1st XV players had to make do with a bike ride to Sedgley Park to fulfil the afternoon void.

As Jay “Bat Fink I’ve got a problem” Cheetham sunk his pre game pint of Guinness and black, Pete “Mike Bassett” Marriott tightened his 1992 vintage Adidas tracksuit bottoms and vice captain Relph opened his mole type eyes the travelling faithful from Bolton arrived at Sedgley Park RUFC one of the biggest clubs in Northern England. You could see the frightened look in the Sedgley players eyes as the famous bodies of Mike “SquizzMarc Deplusis” Singleton and Danny “Flow” Ryder walked into the changing rooms, luckily for the Sedgley 1st team players it was their 3rd team counterparts who had to try and stop the on form Bolton outfit, Sedgley 1’s only had to entertain the lowly Cinderford instead....

The game started quicker than a hoard of students running away from a Dave Meir politics seminar, both teams hammering the other with a barrage of attacks. With defences holding strong for the most part, until several minutes in Sedgley broke the deadlock with a crashing run beneath the posts.

The rallying call came from the Bolton leaders to up the game and find the attacking beast that had troubled teams for weeks prior, excellent running angles by the backline of an on form fly half in Singleton saw centres John “Spongebob square head” Keech and Olly “Detective John Bunnell” Relph making great yardage up the middle, this added to the fantastic support shown by flankers Alex “Peter Barlow” Quegan and Pete “Brogue Kick” Brogan meant Sedgley struggled to keep in touch. The next score of the game came from Stavros Flatleys anemic love child Ryan “Assistant DJ” Wignall who finished off like Ron Jeremy to cap off a flowing Bolton move, the conversion missed.

With Belarusian Wignall and others on form the Bolton players confidence grew like a world record holding sunflower, the forwards limited the Sedgley pack to a small number of yards whilst “dominating” in the scrum. Only the campness of the referee could stop them now.

The game saw a third try shortly after. With the ball moving swiftly from a Bolton lineout to local Iron Man and hover crafting hero Mike “Singy the Dinghy” Singleton who’s ridiculous round house dummy worked, the Sedgley players parted like a Stuart McDonald comb over to allow Singleton to dance his way around the Sedgley full back similar to Lisa Riley on “Singy come dancing”. The conversion this time added by Boris Johnson fan and dominating prop Chris “What? No 65’s” Turner. The score now 5-12.

The first half continued to get brighter for the flowing Bolton 2XV, excellent hands from every single player saw a move in excess of a dozen phases. It started with local powerhouse Geoff “Have you seen my baseball” Earle completing his hit spin pirouette routine shaking off half a dozen wanting tacklers before the ball found a rampant Danny “Easy” Ryder who hit the alcoholic Tom “Top Shelf” Relph. With the ball still alive it made its way back through the line, Spiderman lover and ginger hero Gaz “Ben Kidd” Pritchard making good ground before eventually reaching Belarusian winger Ryan “Shrek child” Wignall who finished off coolly in the corner, the conversion missed. The score 5-17.

Bolton then lost a player close to half time, No.8 Pritchard whose Ed Sherran type body collided with the elbow of the advancing Sedgley player, Pritchard showed a demented seal type technique when approaching the tackle. The game was then introduced to CSI Miami actor / Say no to Jimmy Saville campaigner Joe “Jacuzzi at Daddy’s” Smith.

Sedgley scored a second try not too far off half time, without wanting to blame anyone for the try....a well known winger / full back with glasses slid over the ball before allowing the opposition to score, luckily this player has several years of Scottish music to keep his head above the water, it proves that even the Scottish cannot handle a drink before a Raging Bull North West Leagues Division 2 North game. The conversion missed.

Half Time: Sedgley Park 3XV 12 – 17 Bolton 2XV

At half time the talk came from ex WWF wrestler Pete “Solid 90” Marriott who gave a rallying speech, his athletic body glistening in the Bury sunshine he needed more commitment at the breakdown. As the second half started so did the referee “Safety 1st” routine, “Too many bodies, Red going forward, scrum down” , “Too many bodies, Red going forward, scrum down”, “Too many bodies, Red going forward, scrum down”, “Too many bodies, Red going forward, scrum down”, “Too many bodies, Red going forward, scrum down”, “Too many bodies, Red going forward, scrum down”. That was 36% of the actual Too many bodies speeches which for periods frustrated both teams.

Bolton wanted to score the next set of points and tried on several occasions to breach the solid and determined Sedgley defence, the silent but deadly grafters in Leigh “Steve McDonald” McDermott and Alex “Queggers” Quegan proving priceless at the breakdown. Unfortunately a few minutes into the second half Mark “Deaf Leopard” Townsend suffered a blow to his ageing ankles; these ankles had suffered from serious gout ridden’itis since the early 1990’s and couldn’t take anymore, on came tight head prop and Body of Olay model Manny “Domination apprentice” Tailor to bolster up the ever needed Bolton scrum.

Both teams when allowed showed intent to win the game and the only points of the 3rd 20mins came when boy band singer and leader of the “Coming out” campaign Nick “Sigourney Weaver” Lever knocked over a penalty kick from 30m out. The score now 12-20 and Bolton 2XV edging clear.

As the nights sky drew close the game started to become a “Stop start” affair, Bolton’s only solstice for 10mins was found in the scrum as the tight five of Tailor, McDermott, Turner, Earle and Bat Fink Cheetham proved too much for the tiring Sedgley forwards. Bolton did however find a final try in the game, the ball found its way off the Nick Lever platter continuously all day, French fry lover Michael “Tricky Micky” Singleton then flung the ball out to the ever present wingers Chris “Tight is right” Turner whose pin point pass meant Manny “Danger Mouse” Tailor scampered in like Skip rat for a packet of Salt and Vinegar crisps for his second try in three games. The conversion missed by Nicky “Weaver” Lever.

Sedgley secretly knew that the game was most probably out of reach by this point, and Bolton had a feeling they had yet another victory wrapped up. Special thanks has to go to veteran full back and politics lecturer Dave “Shed a tear” Meir whose final 15mins didn’t see him touch the ball, this of course following his 65mins stood on the touchline explaining to rival supporters how Dead Man’s Shoes was the greatest movie since Rita, Sue and Bob too.

Next week is a free week for Bolton’s elite 2XV senior team as they are playing in the champions league mid week. Support will however been shown to the premier team of the club on Saturday 1st December as Bolton 3rd XV entertain Chorley at home. Oh and the 1st XV play Burnley away in a clash shown on Sky Sports where they try to continue their good run of form.

Final Score: Sedgley Park 3XV 12 – 25 Bolton 2XV

The Vatican MOTM award: Mike “Squizzilicious” Singleton

Tries: Singleton, Wignall (2), Tailor

Convs: Turner (1)

Pens: Lever (1)

Comment of the day: “Basically I want to continue the “Singleton Legacy”, just your basic legacy continuation” (Mike Singleton, 2012)

Shout out of the day: Goes to the Sedgley Park 3XV coach who was adamant Bolton played several 1st teamers. YOINKY DOINKY you were wrong son...wrap it up and place that disgusting tone in the nearest bin. Why play Tanni Grey when you have Andy Gray at home.

Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.