Fylde 3XV vs Bolton 2XV

As Mick Hucknall entered Jason Cheetham’s killing room he asked, “Is there a fairground on the way?” ....Jason sniggered menacingly before saying, “no” and then Simply Red was Simply dead.

The great Bolton 2XV legend and scrum half Michael Gaffey once said, “Everybody has dreams”, Tom Relph dreams of going a game without dropping a ball, Pete Brogan and Leigh McDermott dream of growing just one full hair, Les Towler dreams of balls in the woods covered in excel spreadsheets, and many teams this season have dreamt but not been able to beat Fylde’s 3XV away from home.

Randomly only Oldham 2XV have managed this feat in the 2012/13 season so far and they currently sit 11th in the table. Fylde had only lost one game prior to Saturday and had scored a try in every single game they’d played, that was until the coaching unit of Pete “Solid, liquid and gas” Marriott and John “Gas, gas and liquid” Keech brought a feisty determined team to confront a strong Fylde outfit.

With captain Keech unavailable due to a freak accident at his stables during the week Bolton relied on vice captain and local fun Hoover* Thomas “Try Hard With A Vengeance” Relph to lead the team, this is something he relished like a Caribbean oversized lady drinking a fresh can of Lilt in a coconut shack in Jamaica.

Saturday also saw the return of Stephen “John Denver” Beesley to the fray, Stephen now lives in San Diego with his beautiful wife Skip rat and their 7 fantastic children, Victor, Ubogu, Jason, Leonard, Lee, Millsie, and adopted Russian bar tender Keiththebeef. Stephen is seconded to the University of Flange-Diego in the Californian desert where he is publishing books on love making & bean caressing. His book, “How a slap on the buttocks can lead to eggs for breakfast” is out this xmas in all Woolworths stores.

Bolton started against the wind and felt the full force of the Fylde attacking prowess, however excellent defensive efforts from every single member of the Bolton outfit saw the cherry and whites hold out on several occasions. It was Bolton who took the first points of the game, a penalty around the 22m mark was confidently slotted by returning ginger gypsy, the rat tailed Robert “Juniper Berry” Terry. Bolton’s confidence took another boost mid way through the first half when Fylde’s quick fly half broke through some weak Bolton arms to sprint clear with only captain Relph to beat at full back, Relph ignored his catching expertise on this occasion and managed to rag the Fylde player to the floor like Jay Cheetham would to Mick Hucknall in his special room, this again stemmed any flow Fylde had and allowed Bolton to clear their desperate lines with Iron men Michael “Asleep by 10pm” Singleton and Dave “Extremely boring and really unfunny” Meir using quick hands to avoid danger.

The first half saw Fylde dominate possession and Bolton spent most of the 40mins camped in their own half throwing themselves into tackles like demented salmons climbing a rocky river. Crucial tackles and turnovers from the back row trio of Alex “3 pints and goodnight” Quegars, Gaz “3 minutes and good night” Pritchard, and MOTM Peter “I’ve no hair but I don’t care” Brogan meant Fylde’s fluidity in attack was stalled time after time. After hammering away at the Bolton door for several phases without breaking the line Fylde decided to take a shot at goal and equalised to make it 3-3.

Half Time: Fylde 3XV 3 – 3 Bolton 2XV

Bolton who now had the wind in the second half knew that the advantage switched in their favour and used the boot on several occasions when pinning the Fylde outfit back. The only solace when moving forward was via big Geoff “camp John Lewis Snowman” Earle and hooker come flanker Leigh “close family member” McDermott whose running lines left Fylde scrambling into making great tackles.

Throughout the second half Bolton held Fylde at bay and started to move forward on a number of occasions themselves, Scrum half Danny “Money Spider” Ryder taking quick taps and putting Bolton on the front foot as they tried to break down the strong Fylde defence. A great deal of the game was spent in the scrum as both teams sought possession of the ball in the tight, the more organised Fylde outfit proving difficult for the Bolton team to take apart.

Bolton pinned Fylde down in their 22m area in any way shape or form they could, monster winger Michael “Downtown” Brown taking a ball full on in the face whilst his teammates dropped on the loose egg like vultures in the savannah. Bolton managed to secure a line out deep into the Fylde half with 10 minutes to go, McDermott gave a short ball to Domino’s pizza rep and local hero Chris “Waffily Versatile” Turner who secured possession before Ryder flung the ball like a torpedo to Fly Half Singleton who released outside Centre Ryan “DJ Sammi” Wignall for the first time in the game to break the line, then storm past the full back to score, winger and ginger mollusc Robert “Artful Jammie Dodger” Terry converted to give Bolton a lead with minutes left.

Bolton’s courageous defence then held strong for several minutes as Fylde continued to attack like their lives depended on it however a bone crunching array of tackles from the likes of Johnny “San An” Hill, Stephen “Ron Weasley” Beesley and Chucky from Rug rats (Murtagh) kept the home team out for Bolton to claim a great scalp away from home.
Bolton now sit 4th in the table as both De La Salle and Preston Grasshoppers won.

However Bolton 2XV can spend Xmas brimming with confidence as they prepare for a home game against 9th placed Tyldesley who will be looking for revenge after Bolton beat them at home.
Bolton entertain Tyldesley on 5th January which also coincides with

Croatian Skier Janica Kostelić’s birthday. She is a hero.

Final Score: Fylde 3XV 3 – 10 Bolton 2XV

The Belgravia MOTM award: Pete “Lance Armstrong” Brogan

Tries: Wignall

Convs: Terry

Pens: Terry

Comment of the day: “Relphy, be quiet or else I will abuse you like a close family member” (Leigh McDermott, 2012)

*A fun Hoover: Is a gimpy description by someone who has extremely low banter levels when describing someone he feels is “Sucking the fun out of the room”. For example, “Turner, you’re such a fun hoover”
Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.