Wigan 2XV vs Bolton 2XV

First of all let me apologise for my absence in the past two weeks, the initial week I was at a writers convention in Alabama giving a speech on woodland animal activities in the North West region. Last week I was at my villa in Sicily....there really is nothing better than drinking cappuccino at a restaurant owned by a man called Roberto. Thank you Roberto, you really do bring me so much happiness.

As I sit here drinking Green Tea whilst watching “Justin Timberlake’s best bits” on Sky channel 385 Massive R&B I can only tell you that life really is good at the minute, maybe my decision on this matter was enhanced yesterday after watching Bolton’s 2XV travel to local rivals Wigan 2XV. Both Bolton and Wigan sat closely snuggled together in the Champions League places at the top of the “Thornton’s Chocolate Premier Collection Blue Bear Crouching river monkey Division 2 North League”.

Bolton arrived for the game with a strong looking side, well, this was despite Mike Singleton starting at standoff. Mike has only just returned from the Vatican City after being interviewed in the process the Italians are calling “Pope Idol”. Call 0845 69 69 69 and press no.10 to vote for Singleton in this strange but surprisingly effective voting process for the world’s new pope.

As Gary Mabbutt gave his analysis on Gareth Bale being Europe’s best footballer, Bolton’s 2XV warmed up prior to the game against Wigan. Manager Pete “Solid 90” Marriott gave his magical speech and Prop come attempted murder survivor Mark “clinically obese Steve Irwin” Townsend managed to hit 93% of his pre match line out ball, Bolton’s 2XV looked confident, flowing, and far from their naive realist state of mind the week before against an excellent De Las Salle.

The game started at a frantic pace, both sides hammering each other like a Chris Brown / Rihanna argument over whether Paul Rideout or David Unsworth is the greatest ever Everton defender. Bolton did however start the game without in form flanker Leigh “Can’t play this week mate, its my aunties sisters brothers cats 4th birthday” McDermott, regular hooker Mark “heavy flow” Crow and flying utility back Dave “Boringly Queer” Meir.

Wigan ran the ball at the Bolton outfit with pace, aggression and power...however....Bolton’s calm and organised defence kept Wigan at bay, excellent tackles and work at the ruck from Captain John “Honestly Quins offered me a contract” Keech and Pete “Mitsubishi Shogun” Brogan were just two of the Bolton fifthteen putting bodies on the line for the cause.

Bolton stemmed the flow of the Wigan attacks time after time up until Wigan lost their veteran loose head prop through a sin binning. It was this ten minutes that Bolton made Wigan pay. Bolton’s veteran Stand off and obese mess Mike “Singy the Dinghy” Singleton was breaking the line like the Qwerty space bar time after time, his trooping backline of Keech, Oli “Where is he? Where is he?” Relph, and Andrew “The minor flirter” Murtagh continued to put Wigan under pressure and everybody knew it was only a matter of time before Bolton punished the Wigan team with the games first try.

With Bolton on the front foot, mainly through the hard work of forwards, Jay “killing room” Cheetham and Geoff “Keith Curle” Earle stealing ball and working like rabid dogs for possession allowing impressive scrum half Danny “Knight” Ryder to give Singleton flowing ball. The Bolton try was finished by the flying ginger assassin Murtagh who’s pale legs worked overtime allowing him to finish in the corner. The conversion slotted by Michael le Vell impersonator Robert “Jimmy Cranky” Terry.

Things got worse for Wigan from the resulting kick off, the kick was received from Bolton’s upstream Salmon John “Just updating Twitter” Stryker who plucked the ball like a panda eating bamboo. From the ensuing ruck Bolton went wide, Ryder hit the flexible and unbelievably dynamic Chris “Gregg’s App” Turner who quickly shipped the ball onto a flying Ryan “DJ’s assistant” Wignall who went on a meandering run, Wignall beat several defenders before sprinting to score after leaving everyone in his wake. Terry slotted the conversion with ease, Wignall however was showing the side of his game that went missing just week’s earlier. Bolton now led by 17 points after Terry also slotted a penalty.

The rest of the first half became a stop start affair, Wigan lost players to injury and Bolton failed to add to what was an excellent first half performance.

That was as good as it got.

Half Time: Wigan 2XV 0 – 17 Bolton 2XV

Bolton’s half time speech came from player coach Pete “The meat” Marriott who tried to tame the confident excited Bolton 2XV players, unfortunately Bolton’s confidence was their second half downfall....too many voices, too much garbage flowing around, and without a doubt too many opinions meant Bolton made hard work of what seemed to be a wrapped up game.

Due to the bad state of affairs in the second half, I feel a song would brighten the mood. This week’s tune is based on Otis Redding’s classic (Sitting on) the dock of the bay:

Sittin' here reading the sun
I'll be sittin' here when Pete Marriott comes
watching Alex Quegs roll in
and then I watch him never roll away again, yeah

I'm sittin' watching the ruck of the day
watching Bolton never roll away
I'm sittin' watching Bolton play
wasting time

I left Marky Crowy in Farnworth
heading for Bolton’s finest gay
because Tom “Moley” Relph had nothin' to live for
and look like nothin's gonna go Joe Smith’s way

So I'm just gonna sit watching Bolton play
watchin' players never roll away
I'm sittin' watching Bolton play
wasting time

Looks like Townsend will never change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll stay partially deaf

Sitting here resting my bones
And this Stubbsy won't leave me alone
It's 2,000 s*x lines ive phoned
Just to make cardboard box my home now

I'm just gonna sit here watching Bolton 2XV play
watchin' my life drift away
I'm sittin' watching Bolton play
wasting time

Next week captain keech hopes for major improvements as Bolton entertain lowly lying Ashton-on-Mersey. Bolton hope to bring a second win in a row, something that hasn’t happened for over a month. I hope just hope my “Will to live” returns home this week, I seem to have lost it in Wigan.

Final Score: Wigan 2XV 12 – 20 Bolton 2XV

The Pete Marriott snow white cardigan MOTM award: Danny Ryder

Tries: Murtagh, Wignall

Convs: Terry x 2

Pens: Terry x 2

Comment of the day: “Vote me for pope vote me for pope vote me for pope vote me for pope” (Mike Singleton, 2013)

Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.