Saturday 7nd September 2013 – Bolton 2XV vs Littleboro' 2XV

Everybody loves to hash tag these days, hash tag this, hash tag that...well check this for a hash tag....#Bolton2XVaretopoftheleaguesoputthatinyourpipeandsmokeit.

It’d been a strange summer for Captain Keech and his faithful band of Lancastrian warriors. Keech had joined a bike riding club in Chorley, for just £49 a month he meets his new friends Derek and Norman and they ride all around Lancashire stopping for tea and scones in various areas. Vice captain Thomas “Blind mole” Relph survived the whole summer without getting assaulted or mugged, he had also found a new lease of life after meeting his boyfriend Julius. Julius was a postgraduate in “man love” from the university of Ramsbottom and he and Tom have just moved in together, I hope it works...well until Tom starts getting jealous again and making false accusations that he has been mugged.

Other players enjoyed their summer’s a bit too much, Stand Off Mike “cream doughnut” Singleton seemed to have moved into the local Greggs store. He looked like he’d consumed more savoury snacks than Rick Waller at a buffet over the 6 week teaching break. Maybe this little porker such “teach” himself the art of moderation, he seemed a far cry from the man who completed the Iron Man just 2 years earlier. Miracles do happen but unfortunately we need more than a miracle to see him turn this little problem around.

Manny Tailor survived key hole surgery on his left leg, the previous season had taken its toll on Tailor who spent 12 weeks out of action, Tailor suffered a mental breakdown after realising he had knocked the ball forward before scoring his only try of the season...he’s ok now though after he changed his name to Julius and finished his degree at the University of Ramsbottom.

The weather held off for long enough on Saturday as Littleboro’ arrived with a mixed team of older players and some young confident players in certain positions, Bolton’s team was based very much around the core team from the previous season who finished 3rd, with a couple of new faces to bolster a good side. The new faces included the cold hearted Jack Frosty making his BRUFC Senior debut after moving from Hutton, rumour has it that he fell out with the coaching team there after he was caught running naked around the Police campus in Preston holding nothing but a “The Best of David Frost” DVD*. Another new face was Andy Bowling (for Columbine) who partnered captain Keech in the centres after moving across from the Bolton Shot-put academy. And finally another new face started at Scrum Half, Kieran Richardson moved from Premiership football to the “Crouching Tiger hidden mongoose in a garden shed division number 2” to start in his first appearance for the BRUFC senior side.

The game started like a retarded game of draughts (or checkers if you are a fun Hoover) with both sides continuously moving sideways packing down for scrum after scrum. Eventually Bolton found themselves with ball in hand and found a new weapon in centre Andy “Hollywood” Bowling who ran over two or three defenders before off loading to Andy Goode’s best friend and local angry man Leigh McDermott who sprinted beneath the posts to score for Bolton, the conversion was slotted by ginger gnome Rob “Juniper Berry” Terry. This try involved several players but started after quick ball from new scrum half Richardson.

As Bolton’s forwards fought for possession with the large aggressive Littleboro’ pack it was the newly shaped Bolton backline that started to enforce the footprint on this game, this time the score came from the light footed vegetarian Oliver “Jerusalem artichoke” Relph who scampered down the wing like a heroin addict at a drug’s bust to score beyond the whitewash, the conversion was slotted from out wide by the inform kicker Terry.

Terry then added a penalty to the score line before Bolton added more tries from Andrew “Tangerine Tits” Murtagh and Leigh “Wally Man” McDermott, Terry kept his own scoreboard ticking over kicking both conversions. Both tries came after consistent handling from Bolton’s players.

The remainder of the half consisted of both sides jostling for position around the breakdown, excellent work from Bolton’s back row of Joe “Shampoo & Condition” Smith, Alex “Peter Barlow” Quegan and Man of the match Alex “Christopher Reeve” Youngman meant Bolton secured the ball when at times they had no right to. This was Youngman’s first match for 3 years after he took a year’s sabbatical to help big women feel young and smaller than they actually appear. For further information please fax him or send a letter.

Half Time: Bolton 2XV 31 – 0 Littleboro’ 2XV

At half time the microphone was passed over to the tracksuit bottom clad 2XV manager Pete “The Meat” Marriott who hash tagged his way through the half time team talk. The message at half time was for Bolton to become sharper at the breakdown, the line out was working well and the scrum was managing to cope with the Littleboro’ power, however Marriott wanted more than what he was currently witnessing, you could tell he was physically drained due to the fact his assistant and local cooked meat lover Dave “Tapas Queer” Meir was unavailable due to attending his film premier for his new movie, “Jug Avoidance III – The flying obese Cat”.

A few changes were made shortly into the second half, local veteran and Saga model Gareth “Ruby Wedding” Evans who had been excellent before picking up a knock swapped for Manny “Akela” Tailor who was freshly faced after returning from his week away with the Bolton Cub Scouts division, the well worked debutant Jack Frosty swapped for chick boy John “Internet Hiker” Stryker who’d returned from filming “The Beach 2” in Thailand.

The second half became a more laid back affair for both teams, Littleboro’ registered two tries and a conversion past the home team, however Bolton prior to this had scored three of their own. Full back Andrew “The Squirter” Murtagh scored after great work from Bolton’s pack, this time the veteran 2nd row Jay “I know how to greet em” Cheetham won the ball back for the Bolton team. Another of the tries came after veteran standoff and local hover crafting enthusiast Mike “Ginger Beast” Singleton waddled his way over the line from 30m out, the final score try of the day was a run away by centre Oliver “Mental Health” Relph who stole the ball on his own line and sprinted the length of the field to score and then immediately ask for the respirator. Rob “Sweet Cherry” Terry kicked all three conversions.

Bolton 2XV new the season needed to start off well and this initial victory puts them at the top of the league after game week one, however there is an awful lot more work to do before the season is out. The line out worked well all day, key jumpers Smith, Youngman and Quegan plucked hooker Mark “Candle lit bath” Crow’s balls from the air all day, this added to the excellent running angles from the Bolton backs gave Littleboro’ little chance to respond in what was a hard fought win.

Next week on Japanese actor Hiroki Narimiya’s birthday Bolton travel to recently relegated Fleetwood 2XV who have always been a force to reckon with at this level. Fleetwood is located on the Fylde Peninsula, eight miles north of Blackpool and if anyone is interested then Mike Singleton is travelling up earlier that day to hovercraft around the local area, he has room in his car and tells me that he will provide chocolate and fizzy lucozade.

Final Score: Bolton 2XV 57 – 12 Littleboro’ 2XV

The Pete Marriott snow white cardigan MOTM award: Alex Youngman

Tries: Murtagh(2), McDermott (2), Relph,O (2), Singleton

Convs: Terry x 7

Pens: Terry

Comment of the day: “I am seriously concerned about my recent weight gain, someone help me...I am officially massive” (Mike Singleton, 2013)

*Probably not true.

Regards,
Nash Bridges
Twitter: @nashbridgesNB

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.