Bolton 2nd XV vs Flyde 3rd XV

In the near future, Bolton, Lancashire is on the verge of collapse due to bad rugby and Keith the Beef’s previous crimes. The mega-corporation Mike Singleton Hovercrafting Ltd (MSHL) enters into a contract with the town to run the police force. MSHL plans to demolish "Old Avenue Street" and redevelop it as a high-end rugby centre called "The theatre of trees." To address the town’s crime against bad rugby, MSHL tests several projects to engineer robotic wingers who have been built using ex players parts. During a presentation of a project spearheaded by the senior president, Jay Cheetham , the James Brodie type 2 enforcement droid malfunctions and kills a junior executive called Oli Relph. With the Theatre of Trees construction scheduled to begin within months, the MSHL Chairman Mike Singleton immediately advances an alternative put forth by an ambitious, middle-ranking executive named Mark Townsend who is partially deaf and massively obese. Townsend calls his cyborg project "Robo-wing."

Veteran police officer James Howarth is transferred to a new precinct in second team rugby and is partnered with Officer John Keech. On their first patrol, they chase down a team of miscreants led by crime boss Tom Relph to an abandoned Spec savers factory. After Keech is knocked unconscious by cage fighter Manny Tailor, the rest of Relph’s thugs corner Howarth and brutally execute him “dump tackle style” with swinging arms. Howarth is pronounced unfit by the physio in changing room one, and MSHL subsequently harvests his body to construct the first RoboWing.

RoboWing single-handedly deals with terrible rugby at Avenue Street according to three simple directives programmed by the his second team captain (Catch the ball, Protect the line, and Uphold his broken body) along with a fourth, classified directive. The RoboWing project is hailed by the media and Townsend is promoted to vice president (which draws the ire of Cheetham). However, unbeknownst to the MSHL engineers, remnants of RoboWing’s life as Howarth have survived the memory wipe, including brief glimpses of his dog and the habit of tapping his chest before catching the ball. Keech recognizes the habit and deduces RoboWings identity.

After thwarting the Fylde attacks and implosion of Bolton’s tackling by one of Fylde’s men, RoboWing has a nightmare featuring memories of his previous life as a ball spilling winger. He identifies the members of Relph’s gang from Bolton School from his dream and hunts them down. Meanwhile, Relph’s alliance with Cheetham is revealed when Relph goes to Townsend’s house, shoots the partially death pig in his legs, then forces him to watch a video in which Cheetham shames him for his times playing at Lostock RUFC, he then blows up his hearing aid.

RoboWing tracks Relph to a Couscous wife making factory, where he kills an army of Geoff Earles and Mark Crow’s to get to the crime boss. When it becomes clear that the cyborg means to kill him, Relph reveals his alliance with MSHL senior vice president Jason Cheetham. When RoboWing proceeds to nearly pass to the unarmed Relph, he begs that he can't pass to him because he cannot catch, which causes RoboWing’s directives (Uphold his broken body) to make him stop. Instead, he arrests Relph and visits Cheetham at his hover crafting office as he drinks with friend Andrew Murtles, intending to arrest him as well.

The attempted move, however, triggers RoboWing’s classified fourth directive, preventing him from passing to or acting against any senior executive of MSHL and causing RoboWing’s systems to start shutting down like a Rick Sandbrook body part. Cheetham then dispatches a James Brodie Type 2 droid against the now-vulnerable RoboWing. The James Brodie Type 2 pursues RoboWing with an onslaught of military-grade forearm protection, but it is unable to follow him down the right wing due to his past life as Paul Bearer. RoboWing’s escape, however, is cut off by an ambush by a Flyde 3XV SWAT team with orders to destroy him. Keech arrives to save him and they retreat to the Spec Savers mill.

After the “over 50’s Taff Evans support workers” launch a labor strike, the Theatre of Trees is plunged into chaos. Because the recording of Relph’s confession that he cannot catch could implicate him, Cheetham arranges for the release of Relph and his backline from rugby prison and provides them with "Gilbert size 5 Rob Terry assault balls" to destroy RoboWing’s man of the match performance. Using a tracking device stored in his new shoulder, Relph and his gang converge on the Spec Savers mill for a showdown, where RoboWing and Keech break tackles to dominate the onslaught.

RoboWing returns to MSHL headquarters and uses a Gilbert size 5 Rob Terry assault ball to destroy the James Brodie Type 2 droid guarding the building. He then interrupts Cheethams’ pitch to resume the James Brodie Type 2 project and informs the MSHL chairman about being unable to act against Cheetham due to the classified fourth directive. After Cheetham recorded confession of his role in Townsend’s death is presented to the board, Cheetham grabs some red mist and takes the Fylde 3XV hostage. During the standoff, the Fylde 3XV captain dismisses Cheetham, thereby enabling RoboWing to score in the corner.

The captain commends RoboWing for his skill and asks for his name, to which RoboWing replies: "Howarth".

Final Score: Bolton 2nd XV 48 – 19 Fylde 3rd XV

The Pete Marriott Zumba Zumba MOTM award: James Howarth

Tries: Brodie, Evans (2), Cheetham, Earle, Howarth, Tailor

Convs: Terry x 5

Pens: Terry

Dodgy Comment of the day: “Can we do some dynamic stretching like in the Iron Man” (Mike Singleton, 2013)

Regards,
Nash Bridges

Twitter: @nashbridgesNB

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.