Wigan 2XV vs Bolton 2XV (Cup game)

It has been a while...

This is the first match report since the previous Wigan game in the league in which Bolton lost, that day Alex Waddicar was to blame...yesterday he made amends as his man of the match performance helped send Bolton 2XV through to the Quarter Finals of the “Teddy Ruxpin Tupperware Box Challenge Measuring Jug Cup”.

Firstly I would like to apologise for not being around recently, this was a weird one really...basically Mike Singleton kidnapped me and locked me in his hover crafting garage, the stale smell of hovercraft rubber, sticky new testament pages and empty McDonalds coffee cups is still haunting my soul. The only thing I could do to pass the time was dream of the next time I would have the opportunity to write a match report and feel as free as I do at this very minute. One thing that kept me going was James Singleton’s terrible writing ability, the rugby club dropped 2.4 places in the Pitchero world rankings after that debacle.

Bolton travelled to Wigan on the back of a resounding victory over Oldham 2XV the week before in which they won 81-0, with a strong squad and confidence around 86.5% Bolton knew a tough test awaited in Wigan as on the 14th December 2013 they lost in a poor performance.

Bolton started brightly and played with the wind, this helped flying squirrel Mike Singleton move the team forward as the gusts of the Wigan breeze carried the little squirrel onwards. Wigan conceded numerous penalties within the first 10-20 minutes as they struggled to cope with the onslaught, bionic James’ Howarth and Higgins showing fight in the face of adversity. The opening score was just around the 25 minute corner as rugby retard Alex Waddicar put his 5 year olds scaly haircut aside and turned on the after burners to beat several defenders to score beneath the posts, it was a great finish...the conversion kicked by Turner. Bolton led 7-0.

Wigan struggled to make ground against the wind in the first half and only did so on a number of occasions due to silly mistakes from Bolton’s mentally disturbed pairing of Harry and Lloyd Relph. However Bolton took pride in the tight as their Scrum was as secure as a Josef Fritzl handcuff, Gareth Evans and Mark Crow ensuring several scrums against the head.

Half Time: Wigan 2XV 0 – 7 Bolton 2XV

At half time Bolton’s coaching team and substitutes ventured out of the Wigan club house to listen to coach Marriott, the stench of Stella Artois prominent in the circle of trust. The message was simple, score more points than Wigan. As Stu Evans (2011) would say, “It’s as simple as bricks”.

Bolton made a couple of changes, Oli Relph left the field with self diagnosed hypothermia to be replaced by busy lover Marcus O’Donohoe, a little later on Thomas Relph was replaced with local hero and rail track expert Rob Terry. The Bolton Bull Elephants started to squeeze the Wigan 2XV neck as they imposed pressure on the home side, scything runs from the Horwich equivalent of ‘Phil and Grant Mitchell’ - Jay Cheetham and John Stryker, this added to the ever impressive Alex Quegan and Danny Joseph meant Bolton’s attacking play was too much for the home side who’s players started to drop quicker than George Michael in a public toilet.

The next score of the match came from another fine Bolton attack, this time the try was scored by marriage councillor Marcus O’Donohoe who scampered beneath the posts like a water vole. The conversion kicked by Turner.

As Wigan’s attacking attempts fell at the knee’s of captain Keech and others, the match seemed to be slipping from the home side. Earlier in the match Bolton’s speedy prop Manny Tailor dislocated his finger, luckily for him Bolton’s Dr...”Grizzly John Adams” was on hand to put it back in place, therefore Tailor (AKA the Dreg Master) was on the pitch to score the final points of the match as the ball found its way to him via best friend Marcus O’Donohoe and fellow Lancaster University drinking partner Rob Terry. This time the tough conversion was missed from the touchline by Bolton’s top kicker Rob Terry.

This victory was an excellent scalp for Bolton 2XV who visit rivals Eccles 2XV away in next week’s league clash, this year Bolton will be prepared for the M60 bog beneath the troll bridge around 2km from the Eccles club house. As competition for places is good at the minute, in previous years people like Joe Smith (pictured) wouldn’t have struggled getting in the side.

[b]Final word: I have also been asked to promote Andrew Murtagh’s new book out this week, it is called “Murtagh – Delusions of Grandeur”. The book’s foreword is written by delusional squirrel Mike Singleton and is a great read telling the tales of living with ginger people that have delusional attributes.[/b]

Final Score: Wigan 2XV 0 – 19 Bolton 2XV

The Pete Marriott Pre-Jac MOTM award: Alex Waddicar

Tries: Waddicar, O’Donohoe, Tailor.

Convs: 2 (Turner)

Horrific Comment of the day: “We are building something special” (Daniel Joseph, 2014)

Regards,

Nash Bridges

Twitter: @nashbridgesNB

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.