If you gonna stay out all night you aint sleeping in ma bed punk

Bolton travelled back to Ashton-on-Mersey (AOM) this weekend after a barnstorming victory by 78 points the week before, this week it was a cup match and changes were forced by external issues. After having to make 7 changes Bolton still went away confident, confident that they would play a much different AOM team, confident that AOM would feel the need to play a mixture of 1st and 2nd team players, but also confident that the 2nd XV still had the strength to win the match. Did they win in this pointless cup fixture? Ooooohhhh well read on an find out.

Ashton is named after the actor Ashton Kutcher. This is the truth.

A few key mentions before the game commenced:

• Congratulations to Manny Tailor and Mark Crow on their international call up’s.
• Congratulations to Oliver Relph for spending a full weekend with brother Tom without committing murder.
• Congratulations to Pete Brogan on surviving a full game after his horse riding injury during the first game of the season.
• Many thanks go to the Singleton family for producing such an athlete in Michael.
• Many thanks to Pete Marriott for explaining that he doesn’t need to play every game as he does a SOLID 90mins training during the week.

(1st half is Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody)

Is this Nash’s real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught near the Mersey,
No escape from reality
He opens his eyes
Look up to the polluted skies and see
We are Bolton 2XV, we need no sympathy
Because were "easy come, easy go”
League position high, cup prospects low
Any way Mike Singleton bats, doesn't really matter to me, to me

(Keech Try, Terry Conv)

Johnny Hill, just killed a man
Put his flaccid “gun” against his head
Tackled without the ball, now he's dead
Dave Meir, life had just begun
But now he’s gone and thrown the ball away
Mike Brown, ooo
Did he mean to score a try
If Gaz Pritchard’s back is still hurting again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

(Mike Brown Try)

Too late, Crowy’s time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's found beneath the patio all the time
Goodbye everybody – Manny T has got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face Garstang
Manny, ooo - (any way the wind blows)
Forrest Whittaker I don't want to die
I sometimes wish the game wasn’t drawn at 12 all

I see a little silhouette-o of a man
Rob Terry, Rob Terry, will you do the Fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning – Jay Cheetham’s very frightening.....me
Geoff Earlio, Geoff Earlio,
Geoff Earlio, Geoff Earlio,
Geoff Earlio, give me a Fig Roll -- magnifico!

Nash Bridges is just a rent boy, homosexuals love me
He's just a rent boy from a red light family
Spare him his life from Stu Evans’ monstrosity
Easy come Marky Crow -- will you let me go?
Nick Holmes! No! We will not let him go! -- Let him go!
Mike Sing! We will not let you go! -- Let him go!
Manny Tailor! We will not let you go! -- Let me go!
Will not let him go! -- Let me go! Never!
Never let Waddy go! -- Let him go! (OK)
Never let Mike Singy go! -- ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh Mikey Singy, Mikey Singy, Mikey Singy! Let him go!
JP Abramovich has a Waller put aside for me!
for me!
for me!!

So you think you can stop Quegs and spit in his eye
So you think you can love Crowy and then leave him to die
Oh Cockton -- can't do this to me, Bruen
Just gotta get out -- just gotta get right out with Dave Meir

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters in cup rugby

Any team that Ashton picks...

[FADE OUT]

Half Time: Ashton on Mersey 2XV 19 – 15 Bolton 2XV

(The 2nd half report is to be read as if singing the Pete Marriott classic anthem “Solid as a rock”) – Pete mentioned that he always does a SOLID workout so this is in tribute to that workout:

And for Pete’s sake, each mistake, ah, you forgave
And soon both of us learned which tackle to bust
Not run away, it was no time to play
So his chest and arms Pete builds it up and build it up and build it up

And now Pete’s solid
Solid as a rock
That’s what this love is
That’s what Pete’s got, oh, mmm…marriott

Solid (Oh)
Pete is Solid.... as a rock
And steroids changed it (Ooh)
His body is still so hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot

Oh…oh…oh…ah…

(Terry pen)

Ashton OM didn’t turn away
Even when his hair went grey
Somehow he managed (from the side)
His Daily Star pages 2 and 3 stuck together (Ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…)

But Ashton didn’t bat an eye
When Pete Mazza made them cry
We knew his storming runs down the line
We would make it better (Ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…)

And for Pete’s sake, each mistake, ah, you forgave
And soon his naked dancing we learned to trust
Not run away, his gout wasn’t here to stay
So his legs and shoulders he builds them up and build it up and build it up

Now Pete’s solid
Solid as a rock [Ooh]
That’s what peeing in the shower is (Oh…oh…)
That’s what we’ve got [Oh…oh…] (Yes, it is)

Pete’s Solid
Solid as a rock
And nothing’s changed it [Oh…]
His ginger locks are still hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot

Oh…oh…oh…ah…

His opposite number is Gone with the wind
He struggles to bend,
Got in between Mike and Pete
Tried to separate us (Ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…)

Oh, knock-knock on the ball
We understood
That wasn’t so new
But Bolton 2XV did what we had to (Ooh…ooh…ooh…ooh…)

And with that feeling Terry was willing to take a chance
So against all odds, Pete made a start
He got serious (Ooh), this wouldn’t turn to dust
After 90 solid minutes he’d build it up and build it up and build it up

And now Pete’s solid (Ooh)
Marriott’s Solid as a rock
That’s what 20yrs top flight amateur rugby is (Oh)
But soon he’ll be playing prop, oh (Oh, oh)

Solid (Yes, it is)
Marriott’s body is Solid as a rock (Ah…)
And somethings changed it (Ooh)
The creatine pot is still hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot , hot , hot

Yeah Pete is Solid (Oh)
Pete’s Solid as a rock (You know it) [Well] (You know it, baby)
Yeah Undertaker Solid
Solid as the WWE Rock (Lovin’ me, lovin’ me, oh)

Yeah Marriott’s Solid (Don’t leave me, baby)
Solid as a rock [Well, well, why, why] (Oh…)
Solid
Solid as a rock (Every day he gets sweeter, now) [Ooh yeah mazza]

Yeah Pete the meat is Solid [You know I like it]
His meat is Solid as a rock (Good, good, well, it’s good, good, good)
Pete Marriott is Solid (Solid, solid, solid, solid, solid)
As a rock

[Fade out]

Final Score: Ashton on Mersey 1/2XV 32 – 18 Bolton 2XV

Summary: A depleted Bolton 2XV side played well in the first half but mistakes were punished by a much stronger Ashton on Mersey side who coincidently didn’t have any 1st or 3rd team games that weekend. Next week’s game is against an Oldham 2’s side that will come to the Theatre of Trees looking for a victory. Next Saturday is going to be called “Say Goodbye to a Dwarf Day”...not only is it Danny DeVito’s birthday but Bolton 2XV’s very own dwarf Robert “Juniper Berry” Terry is leaving and moving to Landan Town. The game will be dedicated to him. (Sad face smiley inserted here).

MOTM: John “Ruel Fox” Keech

Tries: Keech, Mike Brown.

Convs: Terry (2)

Pens: Terry

Comment of the day: “I’m lyrical, so squizzical, overweight but yet Iron man physical” (Mike Singleton, 2012)

Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.