Bolton hold on for Narrow Victory

Bolton were looking to regroup and get back to winning ways against their local opposition.

With captain Nick Sandbrook yet again missing out following his unfortunate midweek defeat to a group of fourteen year olds it was at as per all change for Bolton. Despite his performance in the back row last week Rob Terry gleefully took back the number 9 jersey with Lloyd Green returning at 8 and new man Chirs ‘new man’ Newman coming in at flanker. It was also all change in the front row Jordan ‘Chimpy’ Barnes stepping in at prop, with Mark ‘Marriott was mean to me’ Townsend moving back to hooker (it would appear he forgot how to throw in at the lineout after his couple of weeks out… Only joking Marky… well not really… ) and Chris ‘they kept miss passing me *sob*’ Turner bedding in at his new prop position. Apparently our resident Kirkby spy Tom ‘Moley’ Relph also played in the center, he told everyone he had a good game and didn’t knock on once. I’m not going to comment on that here but I’ll leave you readers to decide on the validity of his claim. In short Relph, you can’t just lie…

The game started with Tyldesley on the front foot as a shell shocked Bolton were driven back to their own goal line, reverting back to their normal type though Bolton’s defence was excellent and the attack was repelled. I could leave it at that but before the ball was cleared Avenue Street was witness to one of the worst displays of ‘rugby’ ever seen. I will paint the picture, enter the protagonist of this tale one newly reformed vegetarian Mr Thomas ‘Hi my names Tom and I’m an alcoholic’ Price. Now young Thomas reached an impasse in his life on one hand a ruck had formed directly in front of him and the ball was in danger of being lost, on the other hand unfortunately Thomas was a (fat) back. What followed was an excellent piece of comedy as our plucky hero attempted to enter the ruck stood perfectly vertically, his face turned away (protecting the money maker ay Pricey?) while swinging his handbag in the general direction of the opposition. Luckily some real rugby players (read forwards) happened to be passing by meaning the ball was retained and Bolton cleared their lines.

After Tyldesley’s dominant start the game swang back to a neutral affair, with Bolton’s normally solid lineout misfiring thankfully their scrum seemed on top. With things looking even the first score could have been crucial a scuffed Tyldesley drop goal should have served as a warning shot but a penalty come scrum time saw Tyldesley take a 0-3 lead. Bolton struck back instantly, good hands in the back line broke down mysteriously near Tom Relph, the plucky Cumbrian put boot to the loose ball and somehow the man with no knees (or ankles) John Stryker was the first to the ball and got a hand on it for the try. Conversion slotted by Rob ‘Medard’ Terry. (Tom Relph had wanted to kick but kept dropping his kicking tee). 7-3.

Bolton sensed a chance to steal a march over the team in blue and pushed for another score, which would come just before half time, from their solid scrum the backs again took the ball wide finding Tom Relph in acres of space. A tackle looked to have been made but Agent Relph span free (tripped over) and was able to offload to Will ‘why the hell are you running over their, hes blown it… oh he scored’ Swift whos deceptive angle (read no angle) of running somehow fooled the fullback as he went under the posts to score. Rob ‘Maxime’ Terry again with the conversion.

H/T Score 14 – 3.

A couple of changes to report, with his Movember effort in risk of harm Rob Terry was brought off for James ‘nearly the new Relph after that display’ Dennis while Mike ‘I was running too fast, honest’ Singleton also entered the fray in place of Will Swift. Much to the chagrin of Lloyd ’40 minutes’ Green he was given a bit more time before being replaced by Pete Marriott. The half didn’t start well with Tyldesley looking to get back into things and Bolton looking clueless when defending their rolling maul one such maul leading to a try. Conversion missed. 14 – 8. Bolton luckily had one more card to play, from a dominant scrum Lloyd ‘if I do this will you let me come off’ Green make a blind side break and off load to Agent Relph to scamper clear, good covering defence only being able to delay the try as Relph offloaded to Chris Newman who in turn found James Dennis who just about reached out to score the try. The Conversion slotted from out wide by Chris ‘don’t worry that prop cant kick’ Turner. 21 – 8.

Bolton tried keeping the game tight from then, Tom Relph was seen catching a high ball instead of letting it bounce off his face and massive hits kept coming from Tom Lee and Chris Newman. But an injury to Jordan ‘little Dave’ Barnes (replaced by the versatile Rob Terry who came in at hooker) and a yellow card to John ‘he stood on me I just wanted a hug’ Stryker saw the tide turn and a Tyldesley fight back. With ill discipline and multiple penalties sneaking into Bolton’s game a converted try was conceded and then again a rolling maul marched over the try line. Luckily the conversion was to miss preventing Tydesley from stealing the win with the last play of the game.

F/T Bolton 21 v 20 Tyldesley.

Fraser Hart MOM – Chris Newman

The Maxime Medard Movember Award – Rob Terry

The I don’t want to stand near Pete award for Bravery – Mark Townsend

The Werthers Original’s Award for not being distracted by young children for a change – Dave Ormes (Jay Cheetham an unlucky second…)

The Agent Relph award for Undercover Sabotage – James Dennis