Bolton 2 v Orrell 2

The journey over to Wiganarrington was fantastic, it reminded me of a war torn Basra; a place i made home in the late 90's whilst fighting with the 49th battalion "The Royal Les Towler Ball's in the woods brigade", a team of men extremely close to my heart.

With several people unavailable, presumably due to Paralympic debuts in London the 16 strong contingent arrived at John Rigby College to get changed in the girls changing rooms, much to the excitement of Mark "Phil Mitchell" Townsend and his fellow knickers' sniffer Joe "Five Dollar" Waller, who unfortunately were available to play after missing out on a place in the trans-gender rhythmic gymnastics event in East London. Another player available was Randy Mandy Morton who's Saturday job as a Johnny Vegas impersonator folded due to drug's issues.*
The two teams warmed up at quite a canter, the best part being the Dave "Four fingers of politics" Mere who's upper body warm up routine consisted of shaking you're arms like Michael J Fox sat on a tumble dryer, it worked and the team seemed warmed up and ready to go. This was also the first game in charge for John "Greatest Northern Tackler" Keech who's recent release from Witness protection allowed him to set his own mark on captaincy at BRUFC.

As the game started it was clear that Orrell wanted to take the game physically to the Bolton outfit, bone tingling tackles from Bolton's back row of Johnny "Cyprus" Hill and Tom "the Snow leopard" Lee stopped the Orrell advances for the most part, and Bolton managed to take the lead after 15mins with a Thunderboot penalty from Chris "blocker" Turner, however...the lead was short lived. Orrell managed to slowly advance up the field and scored a try after some woeful tackling from the Bolton defensive line, which parted like a Stuart McDonald comb over this was an easy run in for the Orrell prop, the conversion was added. Orrell 7 - 3 Bolton.

As captain planet Keech tried rallying his troops Bolton took another blow, they lost the ever agile, strong, dominate machine that is Rick "Mr Glass" Sandbrook who's fibre glass limbs gave way after 20mins. As Sandbrook limped off the field he was replaced by Alex "Water!!" Quegan with Tom "Terrets" Swift moving to the wing and Mike "33yrs and 33stone" Singleton moving to stand off to accomodate the change. It was touch and go as to whether Singleton would be available for this clash as he growing weight issues meant he had to pass a last minute fitness test, this consisted of walking from his car to Greggs...he passed with flying colours.

With the first half drawing to a close Bolton's attempts to clear their line came unhinged as Orrell scored twice more, the conversions unsuccessful. Boltons pack being hampered by the referee's lack of authority around the scrum and Bolton's over commitment at the ruck / tackle area meant Orrell found happiness out wide and the extra space caused Bolton issues. Going into the break Bolton found themselves down at 17 - 3.

Half Time: Orrell 2XV 17 - 3 Bolton 2XV

With vice captain Tom "Milk tray Stealth" Relph unavailable it was upto 1991 veterans Pete "the meat" Marriott and John "Phil Neville" Keech to rally the dis-heartened Bolton players. As the second half kicked off Bolton took the game to the opposition, Ian "Smeagel" Barrows and Joe "CIS miami" Smith having strong games in the loose. As Orrell's ageing pack tired Bolton found more space around the park, Iron man stalker and local ginger squirrel Mike "I am going over the top with buying all this iron Man memoribilia" Singleton tried his best to release winger Timmy "Timmy" Timms who along with the ever angry Tom "mcCain oven fried chip on his shoulder" Swift made good ground in the Orrell half.

After the referee had completed his risk assessment (something he felt he had to do every 40 seconds) Bolton pressured the Orrell backline for some 10-15mins before a slick Orrell move saw them score against the run of play, this knocked the wind out of Bolton's sails as before then it looked as if they would be back into the game. At 24-3 down Bolton had a long way back, any momentum was removed by the constant stoppages the referee continued to make.

Bolton then took the initiative from an uncontested scrum (Due to the dominator) where local house renovator and keen dog walker Tom "Carol Smiley" Lee took three defenders over the try line to score a fine try, this keeps up Lee's fine record of scoring a try in his first match of any season since 1989. The conversion slotted by Chris "Thunderboot" Turner.

The final 1/8th of the game was stop start, and ended without any further scores much to the frustration of a Bolton team who grew with confidence in the latter stages of the game.

Final Score: Orrell 2XV 24 - 10 Bolton 2XV

MOTM: Alex "Quegars" Quegan - Body on the line from the moment he entered the game.

Tries: Tom "Sponsor a snow leopard" Lee

Conv: Chris "Tight top" Turner

Pen: Chris "Can we get larger tops" Turner

Comment of the day, "I really do enjoy other men's company" (Joe Waller, 2012)

*Unfounded accusation
**Confirmed accusation

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.