Bolton 2XV vs Fylde 3XV

This set the precedent for an interesting match between a much changed Bolton 2XV (today called the Shadows)* at home for the first time this season.

As the sun rose over Mortfield Pavilion, the community support supervisors rubbed sun cream into the burning backs of Bolton’s criminal souls as they planted potatoes and washed their carrotts in the nearby allotment....meanwhile Bolton’s finest grass technician Jimmy Kay completed his task of securing a fine playing surface for the newly named “Bolton Shadows”.

The team selection brought about some strong changes, however the team had to play without both their captain John “better offer” Keech and Tom “failed CRB” Relph** who went on a camping weekend together to Lake Flaccid leaving the reins to much senior management, the game was also played without Mike “Pinocchio” Singleton who had to attend the “Convention for serial liars” in Salford. Further changes saw the right said Fred duo of Leigh “Deeply Dippy” McDermott and Pete “I’m too sexy....” Brogan to the back row with Prop Manny “Tinker, soldier” Tailor moving into tight head prop.

As the heat beamed down onto the pitch the players took the field and from the kick off felt the onslaught of a well drilled Fylde Saracens side, but as always the never say die attitude of the Bolton Shadows stood strong and kept the league leaders at bay, some excellent defending from everyone saw Fylde cross the line.....but with Pete “The jellyfish” Marriott stuck between the ball and the whitewash, his Frank Gallagher shaped body proving strong without the normal 10 pint cushion, a 5m scrum the outcome. The onslaught continued for another 5mins before Bolton’s defence gave in out wide, Fylde scored two tries in quick succession much to heartbreak of the Bolton players who started to think this was going to be a long day. The score 0-12.

With the new rule of rolling subs Bolton started to make quick and needy changes as Tony “Dr Bionic” McLaughlin left the field to charge his knee for the standard recommended 20mins and was replaced with the youngster Gaz “Ed Sheeran” Pritchard with Tom “Jim Robinson” lee moving from No.8 to second row for the period up to half time. Bolton knew they had to attack fire with fire and started to pressurise the Fylde defence with some excellent running of their own, Standoff Andy “#YOLO #HOMO” Crimmins laying the foundations with strong runners from both the forwards and backs peppering the Fylde defence from all angles. At one point I actually overheard a Fylde player saying “ I feel like Kurt Russell in the film ‘Back draft’” as they tried to control the Bolton team firing on all cylinders.

The game changing moment came as the Bolton Shadow’s started to implement their dominance in the scrum, the Fylde tight head prop leaving the field with a head injury which left the Bolton players facing an uncontested scrum for the second consecutive match, this did not in any way help the Bolton players as the scrum was the strongest part of their game early on. A frustrating rule that benefits the weaker scrimmaging side.

Bolton’s strongest part of the first half came when Fylde attacked, the strong defence saw Leigh “Awwwwright mayyyate” McDermott tackle a player, steal the ball efficiently like Keith the Beef in pound stretcher***, run 30m and set up a strong Bolton attack, from the ensuing ruck the ball found its way wide where his singing partner Pete “green lantern” Brogan ran in under the posts, the conversion was missed unbelievably by Andy “#YOLO ONO” Crimmins. The score now 5 – 12.

Bolton’s strong running game continued with Pritchard, Joe “life jacket” Smith and Alex “Gay Smiley” Reilly making good head way and putting the Fylde outfit under pressure defensively, all this came from great first time ball from outstanding scrum half Rob “the juniper berry” Terry whose service to Crimmins was like a catholic altar boy to a priest all day.

Bolton’s confidence grew as they continued to put Fylde on the back foot, this was until a dubious refereeing decision saw Fylde play on from an obvious knock on and finish under the posts, this again knocked the wind out of a fighting Bolton team who started to feel like lady luck was not on their side. The conversion kicked.

The home teams issues continued before the end of half time as they lost Pete “Christopher Reeves” Brogan to a mystery neck and back injury, his body was left weeping next to “Heroin Forrest” as a fully charged Bionic Tony McLaughlin looked for a medic, this however looked more like a gout ridden Robocop looking for fictional crime boss Clarence Boddicker (for people who are not Robocop fans....this means extremely sllllllllllowly). After the match Pete was declared fit by a stand in medic, Pete would like to thank Mr Bridges for all his help, whoever he is.

Half Time: Bolton 2XV 5 – 19 Fylde 3XV

The point to be made at half time was that Bolton needed more of the same, but there was no getting past the fact that Fylde were going to be up in the top 2 or 3 spots come the end of the season and they’re well drilled attack and defence meant Bolton had to throw everything at them to even come close to securing some much deserved points.

Bolton now had Johnny “Jonah” Hill on the field and also Tom “Angry bird” Swift who started the 2nd half defensive onslaught, Bolton continued as they left the first half and continued to throw everything at the Fylde outfit but the final pass, kick or run didn’t seem to come off as Fylde attacked with accuracy and in numbers. Bolton’s excellent line out continued to trouble the Fylde team as they ventured into the visitors 22m zone several times but to no avail. The score remained the same for around 25mins in the 2nd half until the strong Bolton defence gave way twice more.

The first occasion was a well worked “uncontested scrum” move where Fylde found space out wide and finished again by kicking over the excellent Bolton defence. Swift, Marriott, Crimmins, and Marcus “the bigamist” O’Donohue proving extremely strong and impermeable against Fylde’s strongest area, however Bolton struggled to deal with the kick chase meaning Fylde’s backs reaping the rewards to Bolton’s demise.

The strangest point in the game came in the 75th minute as the Fylde full back launched the ball skyward into the Bolton 22m zone, the buzz light year like figure of Dave “Satellite delay” Meir jumped 14ft into the air, claimed the ball like a Scottish lottery winner, fell onto the floor like a drunk Scottish lottery winner, was tackled by 3 players, waited 10 seconds and then shouted, “MARK!!”. Unfortunately the 14hr delay in calling the mark meant Fylde won a penalty and in the next move scored their final try, the conversion slotted again.

The final 5 minutes saw both teams continue to play open rugby, however the score line remained the same.

Final Score: Bolton 2XV 5 – 33 Fylde 3XV

MOTM: Gaz “Keith Lemon” Pritchard – excellent debut and lead by example in both attack and defence.

Tries: Pete “Christopher Reeves” Brogan

Comment of the day, "Get on the floor punk, you don’t want me to use my GMP issued pepper spray. You’re being held....and then arrested by someone else" (Joe “Mahoney” Smith, 2012)

*In following Fylde’s move to inherit a gladiators name Bolton’s 2XV have followed suit

**Unconfirmed

***Probably true

TERMS

Saracen: In the early centuries AD in Greek and Latin it referred to a people who lived in desert areas. (So near Blackpool)

Shadow: A shadow is an area where direct light from a light source cannot reach due to obstruction by an object. (So near Chorley New Road)