Tyldesley 2XV vs Bolton 2XV

This man, now a leper, faced rejection for his sins the previous week whilst plying his trade for the Bolton 1st team. This young man whose side career is an assistant Disk Jockey took homage in another much changed Bolton 2XV. The urban dictionary states that a Wignall is, “A foreigner moving to the United States who feels the need to fulfill certain ‘American’ stereotypes in order to fit in”....you can tell from the way Ryan dresses & acts that he tries extremely hard, often looking like Shrek’s anemic love child / R.E.M’s lead singer, his effort this Saturday could not be sniffed at. Ryan moved to the UK after being born in a town called Babruysk in Belarus, he was found in a shoe box outside a local church just of the P43 highway, for 7yrs the local’s called him “Shrek child” due to his green skin tone and his love for waffles. In 1998 he downgraded and moved to Bolton where he now makes a living as DJ’s assistant and full time under 13’s coach at BRUFC.

Bolton had to ring the changes again this week after a great but tough display against league leaders Fylde. Ever present captain’s John “Osama” Keech and Tom “Bin Laden” Relph were away again, Relph was representing a Proclaimers select XV in a charity hockey match, and Keech was in Cumbria holding the “North of England how 2 tackle Over-Confidence Convention”, obviously it went well.

Other movements saw Ian “wheel” Barrows stand in for bionic Tony McLaughlin at 2nd row, and veteran Jay “bat fink” Cheetham stood in for CSI Joe “Emo” Smith. Bolton also started with new comer and Peter Stringer look alike Will “master” Bates who impacted from no.13 outside teenager Pete “the meat” Marriott who was playing in his 698th game for Bolton RUFC this weekend, a milestone never seen by others.

Bolton started the game at an excellent speed, the eagerness to spread the ball wide evident as two quick tries came within the first 5 minutes. The scorer of both was DJ Ryan “MC” Wignall whose pace and strength was too strong for the covering Tyldesley backline after some excellent handling from his fellow back line players, the conversions kicked by Rob “Popper of cherry’s” Terry*. The score 0 – 14.

The excellent running game of the Bolton players was clear to see, with conditions fantastic and the Tyldesley sun beaming down on the extremely tight tops of the Bolton players the game opened up. At one point it seemed that Fray Bentos were having a blue cross sale as both JP “Abramovitch” Hardman and Taff “Bruce Forsyth” Evans sprinted down the wing like two hippos had escaped from Chester zoo, unfortunately the ball didn’t find Evans’ hand as Hardman galloped away. With Tyldesley on the back foot Bolton took advantage and scored a further two tries under the sticks, Ryan “Bi polar” Wignall secured an early hat trick and Will “mates rates” bates scored his debut Bolton try, both conversions sealed by scrum half Rob “Wild Berry” Terry. The score after 15mins 0 – 28.

As the rolling subs rule came into force, Andy “#yolo” Crimmins and Timmy “Bobby Mimms” Timms entered the fray. The Bolton backline kicked into a higher gear, veteran and meat lover Mike “Winter Storage” Singleton consistently putting his surrounding players through gaps, Dave “Four fingers of politics” Meir making good ground whilst providing a strong last line of defence with fellow back and smooth criminal Marcus “Peter Barlow” O’Donohoe whose defensive play was sublime throughout the day.

As half time approached Bolton’s players made a defensive error, from a 5m scrum the Tyldesley players made head way towards the Bolton line, after banging on the door for several minutes the Bolton backline let them in, a cup of tea and a scone later Tyldesley left with 7 points, plus a penalty in quick succession. The score 10 – 28.

However Bolton’s scoring spree in the first half didn’t stop at four tries, Wignall scored his fourth and Bates scored his second, with both players scoring as freely as Michael Barrymore at a pool party the Tyldesley players were feeling the game was getting away from them. The score now 10 – 38. Before half time saw Tyldesley up their aggression in defence, Pete “The Undertaker” Marriott being close lined into a triple axle double pike, the tackle bordering legality saw the ref close the first half proceedings.

The word Tyldesley means "Tilwald's clearing" and is derived from the Old English meaning wood or clearing, suggesting that what is now open land was once covered with forest. This was starting to become quite clear and apparent as the Tyldesley defence on the whole was parting like a wood under deforestation, half time couldn’t come quick enough for the home team.

Half Time: Tyldesley 2XV 10 – 38 Bolton 2XV

The team talk from caretaker captain Chris “Skin tight” Turner was an easy one, it was imperative that the Bolton team continued to pressure the opposition and rack up more points, something that is rarely seen from a Bolton outfit who tend to take their foot of the gas when ahead in games.

Bolton’s forwards started the second half as well as the first, strong meaningful runs from the back row were putting the Tyldesley players on the back foot from the off. Tom “Claire Balding” Lee, Johnny “Hunger” Hill and Alex “choosers can’t be beggars” Quegars all have storming games and setting the perfect platform for the Bolton backline to feed off, they were unsung heroes from start to finish.

With 10mins gone in the second half Bolton started to take the game to Tyldesley with an even greater intent and it was clear that the scoring hadn’t stopped. Edward Entwistle, the driver of the first inter-city scheduled passenger train in the world, was born in Tyldesley in 1815. He was the man who drove the passenger service on the Liverpool to Manchester railway, Mr Entwistle’s legacy was clear for all to see as the human train (The Wignall Express) left the station for its final journey, Ryan “Shrek with aids” Wignall scampered another 40m for his 5th try of the game, the conversion kicked again by Rob “As bad as John” Terry. The Wignall Express now parked up in the station for refueling, a job well done. The Score now 10 – 45.

As Bolton progressed into their final gear (2nd gear) the game became sloppy and scrappy for several minutes as the Tyldesley scrum half seemed to acquire rugby tourettes and became as disruptive as a black widow hiding beneath a toilet seat. But then a piece of rugby magic occurred, as Tyldesley progressed forward a suspect pass was intercepted by 1992 Olympic sprinter and London Mayor Chris “95m” Turner who sprinted the length of the field as if being chased by a piece of fruit or veg, without stopping for refreshments he reached the try line unaffected, however whilst over the try line he heard the call “please Turner, it’s for my hat trick” from a scampering Will “plea bargain” Bates, Bolton’s caretaker captain unselfishly passed the ball to the young debutant and Bolton scored beneath the posts, Terry again kicked the conversion. The score now 10 – 52.

The 2nd XV had one further trick up their tight sleeves in the closing quarter as the game slowed down to a canter, the trick again came from a familiar source, Bates broke the line after some delightful Bolton handling, it seemed every player wanting to touch the ball before the day was out with Bates the beneficiary scoring again under the posts, this meant more points for Terry who was picking up points easier than a drunk Robin Reliant owner. The score 10 – 59.

The game ended 59 – 10 to Bolton who reaped the rewards after playing well and losing against a dominant well drilled Fylde team the week before. The Bolton 2XV hope to continue their good form against Vale of Lune 3XV at home on Billie Piper’s birthday the 22nd September 2012 down at the “Theatre of Trees” Avenue Street.

Final Score: Tyldesley 2XV 10 – 59 Bolton

MOTM: Ryan “Bi-polar” Wignall – Answered critics questions with a solid 5 tries.

Tries: Wignall (5), Bates (4).

Convs: Robert “Juniper Berry” Terry (7)
Comment of the day, "I’ve completed an iron man, however the greatest challenge I have to face is losing this excess weight” (Mike “Popey” Singleton, 2012)
*70% chance of being correct.

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.