Bolton 2 vs Eccles 2

When researching this statement I could only thinking of one person, he is called Anthony McLaughlin; a carpenter originally from the Umphang District in Thailand. Originally christened Antonio Mi Laq Lan, he was son to a British backpacker father and a horny Masseuse mother. His parents were very much in love as youngsters and conceived Antonio beneath the Thi Lo Su waterfall which is the largest waterfall in Thailand, but when Antonio was born they refused to look after him as his head weighed two stones and his left leg was built from pure titanium and the locals nicknamed him “The Bionic Foreigner” . With shame shone upon the Mi Laq Lan family young Antonio left the family home at just 13 months in age, his titanium leg dragging him through the harsh Thai terrain at an age when his fellow one year olds couldn’t even walk.

Most of Umphang is mountainous, geographically separated from the east part of the Tak Province by the Thanon Thongchai Range (ทิวเขาถนนธงชัย). In the southern part of Umphang there are the Dawna Hills and the Thungyai Naresuan Wildlife Sanctuary while in the central part near Umphang town there is the Umphang Wildlife Sanctuary, this sanctuary is where the young Antonio spent the next 12 years of his life. He grew up in the Goat compound often hiding from the zoo keepers by making grunting noises and living purely off of straw and goats milk, this is why today 18 years later he is Britain’s strongest Carpenter. At the age of 14 Antonio moved permanently to Wigan where he lived on the streets until meeting lifelong lover and best friend Jason Cheetham outside a homosexual waterhole, Jason took him in, bathed him, cradled his huge frame and oiled his titanium leg 3-4 times a day (dependant on the weather). The couple now live in Horwich with their dog Joseph*.

Mclaughlin started the game as part of a Bolton side that made several changes to the team that was severely rimmed by the De La Salle side the week before. This week they entertained Eccles 2XV who had won their previous three games, the final one by 80 points to nil. Bolton were without veteran Michael “Du Soleil” Singleton who was working in Cambodia at an owl sanctuary, his generous nature shows no boundaries as just the week before he saved a kitten from certain death by catching it in his additional rolls of winter fat as it fell from a tree, a hero I think you’ll agree. In Singleton’s place stepped 19 stone waffly versatile Chris “Thunderboot” Turner , runaway captain John “Michael Kenneth Williams” Keech moved into inside centre, there was a full debut for Oliver “Missile of Stealth” Relph on the wing and overall there was five further changes in the Bolton pack.

Also this weekend it was the Bolton Beer Festival which brings mildly retarded individuals together from across the North West to drink beer and discuss the latest flat cap styles. The festival combined with the Bolton 1st XV game being called off meant a nice crowd attendance of 2300 people in the “Janice Stand” at Avenue Street’s Theatre of Tree’s stadium.

The game started at a great pace and Bolton strung together a series of phases but Eccles’ resilience proved greater as they continuously held out the larger Bolton pack and its strong runners. Eccles scored the first points of the game after consistent partially deaf offender Mark “running late yet overweight” Townsend was sin binned by the referee for the first offence of the game.

With Bolton down to 14 men and three points adrift they worked hard to make inroads into the Eccles half, Manny “War wound” Tailor and Jay “I like to beat em” Cheetham making the most ground with the ball in hand. Bolton came close on several occasions to scoring before they eventually did, Thai international Tony “Goat child” McLaughlin crashing over from close range after an excellent display of ball retention from the Bolton team. The conversion was added by Robert “Jimmy Cranky” Terry. The score 7-3.

The Bolton faithful roared like lions with turret’s from the sidelines as the 2XV squad played excellent flowing rugby, the only area that did let them down was at the breakdown, silly offences gave Eccles some free shots at the posts of which their excellent kicker slotted with ease; even after added pressure from the beer festival crowd whose alcohol levels had risen past the point of George Best’s best session rate, Eccles stayed in touch.

As the first half continued so did the high level of rugby, both teams defence proved to be outstanding, the Bolton centre partnership of John “Those who can’t” Keech and Alex “£40 to put me down” Waddicar had closed its doors to the young Eccles backline, the body count started to rise like Jimmy Saville’s victims as the match continued. Bolton found most of its comfort from an unfamiliar source, the line out was fantastic all day with Mark “25 Cromwell Street” Crow hitting his jumpers like a strict parent, the ensuing support play from Leigh “Belgravia centre at any moment” McDermott and Gaz “Chris Evans” Pritchard off the Bolton half backs meant Eccles defence was starting to wilt under the continuous Bolton pressure.

Before the close of the first half both teams collected three more points each, Bolton’s coming from the boot of Rob “Cabbage Patch” Terry and Eccles coming after an attempted close line from Millsy.
Half Time: Bolton 2XV 10 – 9 Eccles 2XV

The second half became a battle for territory with the ever speedy Bolton back three causing problems for the travelling Eccles team, Vice Captain and model** Tom “Prototype” Relph, Oliver “Fully passed / issued design” Relph, and Marcus “A game of Polygamy?” O’Donohoe added intensity to a heavier less agile 10,12, & 13 within Bolton’s backline, this gave Bolton the added space wide to create further chances.
Bolton ventured several times into Eccles territory throughout the second half but wasted a number of advantages given by the referee, Eccles then managed to clear they’re lines. It was Bolton’s failure to secure possession that proved to be their worst enemy and the caretaker manager then rang some changes.

Bolton’s version of the hairy bikers Dave “Four finger” Meir and Pete “Mark William Calaway***” Marriott came onto the field setting out to prove that top world class athletes do not need EPO to find that extra 5%, although Meir should have worn his trusty goal keeping cap as the sun started to play havoc by shining directly at Bolton late into the second half, Meir however posted a good round after a few first panicky opening holes. Eccles did try and run the ball in certain area’s but were met by fierce defence by Bolton’s on form team, flanker and part time yuppie Johnny “San An(tonio)” Hill giving 110% into every tackle meaning Eccles attacks were thwarted before they even started.

Throughout the second half both teams jostled for position with Bolton’s kicking game proving better in the end, although many would agree that this was arguably the best game Bolton had played this season in beating a strong outfit in Eccles 2XV whose first team are high flying in the league above Bolton’s 1st XV. There is no doubt in my mind that opera singer Paul Potts had a fantastic 43rd birthday after hearing that Bolton had won again and this match saw Bolton regain all its confidence after the debacle the week before.

Next week see’s Bolton travel to Littleborough 2XV where they will undoubtedly try to build on a confidence boosting week. Littleborough are currently sitting 10th in the table after only winning 2 from 7 games this season, this however means nothing as they always have a strong side. Bolton 2XV now lie 6th after winning 4 from 7.
W
ith next Saturday being Snoop Dogg’s birthday we’ll give him something to celebrate (to be read like “Drop it like its hot”):
“Uh! Nash’s a nice dude, with some nice Jeans, See these tight tops, too many Ice Creams?, Eligible bachelor, sleeping with a goat, Doff Cocker lodge “yeah” sailing in my boat, I am The Phantom, exterior like fish eggs, my interior like Rob Terry head red, I can exercise you Squizz, this can be your Phys. Ed.”
Final Score: Bolton 2XV 10 – 9 Eccles 2XV

MOTM: Jay “Park child with an ugly demeanor” Cheetham / Manny “Parmesan?” Tailor

Tries: Anthony “Mcgleechan” McLaughlin

Convs: Terry

Pen: Terry

Comment of the day: On asking Manny Tailor, “What’s that scar on your face?” he replied, “That mate, that is a war wound from today’s battle on the field of death” – slightly dramatic. (M.Tailor, 2012)

*Named after Jesus’ carpenter father Joseph
**Tom Relph modelled for the role of “Simon” in the 1987 edition of the board game “Guess Who?”
***The undertaker

Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.