"Daddy’s come home for some roast beef”

... so to keep things amicable the report this week is more of a review, some profiles and full on “Nash Stats”. Plus it’ll take too long and a good memory to remember the tries in HD.

Team: Bolton 2XV
Nickname: The Bull Elephants
Home Ground: The Theatre of Trees
Capacity: 32000
Favourite Music: Wigan Pier classic hard core / Country and Western.

Team manager: Pete Marriott

Nickname(s): Pete the meat, the undertaker, Frank Gallagher, Pissy Pete, The ginger beast.
Saturday 3rd November: Led from the sideline, a hero to some…a legend to everyone.

Prop: Chris Turner

Nickname(s): Kwisssss, The dominator, The Turnermator II, Triple T (Tight Top Turner)
Saturday 3rd November: Total domination from start to finish, set up 9 tries, played 68mins.

Hooker: Mark Crow

Nickname(s): Fred West, Ray Quinn, Crowmazone, Semi Ballesteros.
Saturday 3rd November: Scored the opening try by charging the ball down with his semi on, and then diving on the ball like Fred & Rose on a Cromwell escapee. Solid game.

Prop: Manny Tailor

Nickname(s): Danger Mouse, Penfold tits, Total Domination, The Tailor Nailor.
Saturday 3rd November: Unselfishly provided tries and shelter for his team mates. He is the trainee of Bolton’s best prop Chris Turner.

Second Row: Geoff Earle

Nickname(s): Have you seen Earle’s baseball, Earle necklace, Earley Whirly.
Saturday 3rd November: Capped off a good game with a try, has developed the “No look” pass which needs tweaking.

Second Row: Jay Cheetham

Nickname(s): Bat Fink, Ukrainian Jay, Sick Jason.
Saturday 3rd November: Played well considering he’s Eastern European, starting to master the catch and pass technique.

Flanker: Johnny Hill

Nickname(s): Knock on Johnny, Jonah Hill, Silent Hill
Saturday 3rd November: Excellent defensive display, set the platform for the backline to reap the rewards.

Flanker: Scott Knibb

Nickname(s): Knibb Knob, Junior, MTV Knibbs.
Saturday 3rd November: Alongside Hill dominated the Ashton onslaught with fierce tackling and an unselfish display.

No.8: Gaz Pritchard

Nickname(s): Ed Sheeran, WWE Seamus, the bench press apprentice.
Saturday 3rd November: Ever present and involved in every attacking play, scored a well-deserved try beneath the posts after a monster line.

Scrum Half: Rob Terry

Nickname(s): Jimmy Cranky, Juniper Berry Terry, Kevin Nash.
Saturday 3rd November: Excellent work rate, sniping around the rucks and flawless kicking display. The days highest scorer with 22 points.

Fly half: Mike Singleton

Nickname(s): Squizz, Max Branning, Gay Mike, Reverend Squizzer, The Ginger Assister, Singy the Dinghy, The Red Squirrel, The roundhouse provider.
Saturday 3rd November: Opened the Singleton box of tricks on several occasions, a roundhouse, an out of the back door, and a trademark try for good measure. This guy is eventually playing at his level.

Inside center: John Keech

Nickname(s): Sponge bob square head, Luke Chadwick, Northern tackler of the year 2004, Best dummy runner in the Northern hemisphere, Tom off of Hollyoaks.
Saturday 3rd November: Cutting lines like Amy Winehouse, making good yardage throughout and scoring a late try to top of a good game. Specializes in the loop pass.

Outside center: Olly Relph
(here (left) with brother Tom)

Nickname(s): Stealth Relph, the skillful son, Proclaimer No.2.
Saturday 3rd November: Excellent running display and work rate shown throughout. Scored two tries and probably should have got more.

Winger: Tom Relph

Nickname(s): Sir drop-a-lot, hands of marge, Ratty Balboa.
Saturday 3rd November: Shook off some early technical problems (dropping sitters and forgetting the kits) with a strong game, good straight running and clinical finishing. Hat trick of scores.

Winger: Danny Ryder

Nickname(s): Willow, Flow Ryder, Easy Ryder, Ryd’in low in ma chair she won’t know that im there.
Saturday 3rd November: Great speedy runs and caused the opposition problems all afternoon, scored a try and was involved in many others.

Full Back: Dave Meir

Nickname(s): Boring Dave, Four fingers of politics, The Meir Cat, Dead mans shoes.
Saturday 3rd November: Developed the Meir sliding tackle, and the running drop kick. Scored a try and set up a couple more in a solid display.

Replacement 1: Leigh McDermott

Nickname(s): Alright Mayyate, Leigh McDonald, Belgravia Mccy D.
Saturday 3rd November: Solid as ever, great running game and capped off a performance with two more tries.

Replacement 2: Mark Townsend

Nickname(s): Phil Mitchell, Deaf leopard, Lunatic.
Saturday 3rd November: Made an impact off the bench with some strong carries, developed a strange relationship with the Ashton prop…quite clearly brothers.

Final Score: Ashton-on-Mersey 14 – 92 Bolton 2XV

Nash Stat time:

MOTM: Scott Knibb
Tries: T Relph (3), O Relph (2), Mcdermott (2), Crow, Earle, G Pritchard, Singleton, Keech, Ryder, Meir.
Convs: Terry (11)
Comment of the day: “If I hadn’t suffered my cruciate ligament injury there is no doubt I’d be a pro right now” (Mike Singleton, 2012)
Regards,
Nash Bridges
EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.