Bolton 2XV vs Tyldesley 2XV

As the mist cleared and the sun rose this Saturday at Avenue Street Tom Relph dusted off his catching specs and captain John Keech brushed his rat like side parting to the right, they knew that after 21 days it was game day again. In the previous match Bolton had travelled to the sea side and beat a strong Fylde team, this week Bolton hosted Tyldesley on court number 2 adjacent to heroin Forrest, Avenue Street.

This week saw the return of versatile prop and part time gay lingerie model Manny Tailor, back row CSI agent and fingerprint specialist Joe Smith, Centre Olly Relph and hooker Mark Townsend also returned after contracting Flyditis prior to the xmas break. It was only last year that the younger Relph and Townsend underwent joint surgery similar to that seen in the 2004 film “Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind”, Mark Townsend was a emotionally withdrawn partially deaf man and Relph was a dysfunctional free spirit. They were inexplicably attracted to each other despite their different personalities. It was after the Sedgley Park game that they realised they were former lovers and after a nasty fight over Relph applying too much HP sauce to Townsends bacon sandwich they chose to have their relationship erased from their minds. People believe this is the real reason for both their absences from December’s trip to Fylde.

Bolton started the game in fits and (cougar) spurts and snaffled a 3 point lead thanks to a Rob “smuggled in a ferry” Terry. The ensuing ten minutes saw Tyldesley take a grip on the game as they progressed through large runners, however it was Bolton’s stalwart defence that held strong with massive tackles from John “Keech Lorraine” Keech, Alex “can’t drink wont drink” Quegan and Jay “Brian Dowling secret crush” Cheetham.

With Bolton’s version of 1982 motion picture favourite ET Rob Terry scampering around the ruck like a woodlouse looking for a damp moist area of a house, Bolton moved forward and the ginger maestro continued to put the home teams forwards on the front foot. Excellent running lines and powerful bursts from Geoff “Harbour of pearl” Earle meant Bolton’s half backs could constantly hit the gain line. A further 3 point penalty from inform juniper berry Terry meant Bolton led 6-0.

As both teams struggled to take the initiative in the tight the game slowed to a stop start pace. The first try of the game came after vice captain and lovable French connection model Tom “Fun Hoover” Relph’s break after a delightful Chris “come on” Turner pass, the ball found Joe “Jit Su” Smith who off loaded to Dave “unpredictable and strange” Meir who should have scored himself but unselfishly allowed himself to be tackled just short of the line, he popped the ball to the athletic figure of Turner who finished the move as dominantly as he started it. Bolton led 11 – 0 after the conversion was missed.

The only remaining score of the first half came from another Rob Terry penalty, but this came from Bolton’s attacking prominence in the lose as they started to exert further pressure on the tiring Tyldesley team, this time the excellent runs came from the backline....healthy food critic and large religious preacher Mike “The Dinghy” Singy and Alex “Rhino tits” Waddicar continued to make the Tyldesley backline guess when defending and this meant Bolton found space to attack in.

Half Time: Bolton 2XV 14 – 0 Tyldesley 2XV

The second half started, but only after the 2XV manager Pete “Zumba Zumba Twitt” Marriott gave his rallying speech...Bolton’s game was still under par and needed to improve.

Mike Singleton looked to the heavens and asked for forgiveness, the Bavarian slice and extra profiteroles from Friday evening had only just settled but he knew that captain crab was inside him waiting to be realised. Captain crab was realised and he started to realise his little crabs all over the place, Bolton’s runs started to penetrate the Tyldesley defence like a young Jay Cheetham at a 1978 xmas disco. Meir, Tom Relph and Townsend all making strong runs that troubled the Tyldesley defence.

Bolton’s next score came after several strong runs from several Bolton players, Earle, Singleton, Tailor and Turner all making ground before Mark Townsend bounced a tackle of two before off loading delightfully to heavyweight Alex “Water daddy please water” Quegan who finished in the corner, the conversion missed. The score now 19 – 0 to Bolton.

Tyldesley continued to try and develop momentum but struggled as Bolton’s tireless work at the breakdown from the likes of Smith and MOTM Geoff “have you seen my baseball” Earle who’s turnover tally at the ruck was growing like a Mike Singleton waistline.

It was from Earle’s hard work that Bolton scored the final try of the game, his turnover led to a 60m clear run in for ginger monkey trainer and cycling shorts enthusiast Andrew “Chucky” Murtagh who scored beneath the posts, the conversion was slotted by Terry. The score ending up at 26 – 0.

Next week Bolton make the journey up to Lancaster to take on Vale of Lune 3XV who currently sit bottom of the table, however complacency will not set in and Bolton are determined to take a strong team. Bolton 2XV are now 4th in the league only 5 points behind second placed De La Salle and two points behind 3rd placed Flyde.

Next Saturday is a key date in vice captain Relph’s calendar as it coincides with Paul “The great” Taglioni’s birthday, Paul was a ballet choreographer from Vienna who was inspirational to Tom during his Bolton school ballet days. Paul was born in 1808 and his spirit lives on, Tom will celebrate whilst skiing with the “boys” in Austria.

Final Score: Bolton 2XV 26 – 0 Tyldesley 2XV

The Bravissimo MOTM award: Geoff “Curly Earley” Earle

Tries: Turner, Quegan, Murtagh

Convs: Terry

Pens: Terry (x3)

Comment of the day: “I am overjoyed at the Church’s decision for Bishops, it’s something I’ve wanted for years” (Mike Singleton, 2013)

Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.