If China took rugby seriously we’d all be buggered

Bolton’s elite squad of reprobates travelled to Lancaster this Saturday to play a struggling Vale of Lune 3XV side who had lost 11 of their 13 games, although the majority of these losses came via narrow margins. Bolton welcomed two new faces to their squad, Mike Richardson transferred from the Mongolian national team after leading the team to central Asian cup in 1998 and Ben Stubbs was manager Pete Marriott’s other signing, Stubbs represented South Korea at origami in the 2004 paper games in Helsinki. Vice Captain Tom Relph was away this weekend with his boyfriend Roger at his apartment in Brighton and Leigh McDermott was fixing his neighbours sister’s aunties uncles roof.

The game itself wasn’t great so its song time: Was not was – “Walk the Dinosaur”

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Pete Marriott said it was a night like this forty million years ago as he lit a cigarette, he picked up a monkey, start to go the sun was spitting fire, his joints were blue as ice he felt a little tired, so he just watched 'Miami Vice', did a solid 90 minutes in the gym as he checked league results and enquired.

Pete walked a dinosaur, yeah he walked a dinosaur

Open the door, get on the floor, Fred West Crow walks the dinosaur
Open the door, get on the floor, Crowy dives over for Bolton’s first score
Open the door, get on the floor Everybody walk’s the dinosaur
Open the door, get on the floor, you can see Mark Townsend on an Eastenders repeat on BBC Four.

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Jay Cheetham met Dave Meir in a cave, he was painting a buffalo he said he'd be Jay’s slave, follow wherever you go
That night they split a rattlesnake and danced beneath the stars Dave fell asleep, Jay stayed awake and watched the passing cars

They walked a dinosaur, They walked a dinosaur

Open the door, get on the floor Mike Richardson walked the dinosaur
Open the door, get on the floor Richardson powers over for Bolton’s second score
Open the door, get on the floor, John Keech walked the dinosaur
Open the door, get on the floor, John Keech the 2004 best Northern tackler

One night Manny Tailor dreamt of New York, Johnny Hill and him eating roast blue pork...whilst carrying Mike Singy’s iron man torch

With DJ Wignall running like a rocket, a rocket, his rocket pace healed a couple of leapers and disappeared but being a DJ’s assistant is why he’s weird

A shadow of Rob Terry arrived from the sky, much too big to be a bird, A screaming, crashing noise louder than I've ever heard, It looked like two big ginger ET’s that somehow learned to soar......
Then suddenly a summer breeze and a mighty Dan Ryder roar

Ryder killed a dinosaur, Oh my word he killed a dinosaur

Open the door, get on the floor Danny Ryder killed the dinosaur
Open the door, get on the floor Bolton couldn’t stop Vale’s next score

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Half Time: Vale of Lune 3XV 12 – 10 Bolton 2XV (Tries: Crow, Richardson)

The Lion King – “Just can’t wait to be king”- a tribute to Bolton’s ageing number 10.

You just cannot beat old Mikey Sing, so enemies beware!

Well I've never seen a ginger beast
With quite so little hair

He’s gonna be the main event
Like no Singy was before
He’s Squizzing up on looking down
He’s determined to help Stubbs score

Thus far a rather uninspiring thing

Oh, he just can't wait to be king!

He’s always saying do this “Now when I said that—“
He’s always saying stand there “What I meant was—“
He’s always saying stop that “What you don't realize—“
He’s always saying see here “Now see here!”
He’s a squirrel who’s Free to run around all day “That's definitely out—“
Free to do it all his way!

I think it's time that Keech and Relph
Arranged a heart-to-heart

But all the Sing’s don't need advice
From captains for a start

If this is where the squad is headed
Then please just Count me out
He’s out of service, out of Avenue Street
With his wanger hanging out
This ginger child is getting wildly out of wing

Oh, you just can't beat Mikey Sing!

Mikey Brown look left

Oli Relph look right

Everywhere you look Mike’s--

Standing in the spotlight

Not yet

Let every player go for broke and sing
Let's hear it in the herd and from Dave Meir on the wing
He’s gonna be the King, Singy’s finest fling

Oh, he just can't wait to be king!

Oh, you just can't beat Mikey Sing!

Oh, he just can't lose weight...

Just can't lose weight

That Mikey Sing!

Final Score: Vale of Lune 3XV 15 – 20 Bolton 2XV (Tries: Stubbs. Conv: Terry. Pen: Terry)

The Les Towler Excel Spreadsheet MOTM award: Mike Richardson

Tries: Crow, Richardson, Stubbs

Convs: Terry

Pens: Terry

Comment of the day: “I am going to start a Hover-crafting club, surely there’s a market in Bolton for that? Plenty of hills and loads of space. I’ll probably call it, ‘Squizzercrafters’ ” (Mike Singleton, 2013)

Regards,

Nash Bridges

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.