Fleetwood 2XV vs Bolton 2XV

Pete Marriot’s band of merry campers travelled to Fleetwood this weekend with a slightly depleted squad, even Marriot had to dust off his golden shorts and remove his cardigan as he made the bench. Also on the bench was Dr Mike Brown who had just returned from filming “Harry Potter – the wizards sleeve” in Ireland.

Bolton’s pack also saw four changes, these included the return of veteran psychopath and partially deaf father of two Mark Townsend, he packed down with 2XV debutant and future over 50’s body building champion Dec Hampson, 2XV prop idol winner 2011 Manny Tailor and the monobrowed CRB failure Dave Ormes.

A strong wind moved across the pitch as Bolton played with it in the first half, however a disjointed start saw Fleetwood’s most effective player scamper through to score into the corner, the conversion fell short and Bolton trailed. The following 5-10mins saw Bolton struggle with the referees translation of the rule book as Fleetwood pinned the away side back with a series of penalties. One of these penalties was converted by the home side and Bolton trailed further.

Bolton’s captain and fair weather cyclist John Keech rallied the troops and Bolton started to play some good flowing rugby, the ball slickly moving through the hands like a well oiled Chinese factory line. Ever present dumpling Mike “yuppie blazer” Singleton pulling the strings like the ginger puppet master he is, Bolton made ground with ball in hand on several occasions, only being stopped by dangerous tackles and a lack of discipline from the home side. However Bolton pursued and scored after the veteran standoff Singleton threw his trademark reverse pass to the on rushing Boris Johnson lookalike Chris Turner who flung himself over the whitewash like Shamu at Sea World. Rob Terry missed the conversion.

Bolton’s relationship with the referee continued to hamper them as Fleetwood made ground with the boot and through their giant Viking no.8 who caused problems defensively for the away side. The Fleetwood standoff kicked another three points for the home team as Bolton rallied for another onslaught.

Bolton then started to move forward through strong meaningful runs, Manny Tailor, and self confessed “Grinder” model Oli Relph badgering away like Santa’s elf’s. Bolton’s frustrations grew though as the referee continued to allow Fleetwood’s indiscipline to go unpunished, high tackles and shoulder barges saw nothing more than penalties as captain Keech questioned the officials decisions. It was from one of the three or four penalties that Bolton used their set penalty move, the ball switched from one side of the pitch to the other in three long passes, the ball was picked up by earth worm Jim impersonator and Costa Coffee lover Marcus O’Donohoe who twisted and turned before off loading to the ever present slug eyed monster Ormes who was tackled short of the line. The ball was quickly recycled on a number of occasions before it was spun out wide to Singleton who drew his man and fed model Oli Relph who slid in for a well deserved try, Terry unfortunately missed another conversion...his mind was clearly on the supporters who were shouting “Jimmy Cranky....he has put weight on!!”.

Half Time: Fleetwood 2XV 11 – 10 Bolton 2XV

At half time Bolton were brimming with confidence, although at the same time they felt like they should have had further opportunities in the first half to score more points. Player / Coach Marriot stressed that it was indiscipline at the breakdown that was letting the away side down.

Bolton started the second half brightly and continued to secure ball at the line out, jumpers Quegan and Ormes flying without wings throughout the match. Bolton’s scrum also showed dominance against a large, bulky Fleetwood pack. In open play Bolton started to shine like diamonds in the rough, Bolton school enthusiast / stalker Joe Smith and love bug John Stryker cutting lines like Scar face in an attempt to beat the strong Fleetwood barriers.

Fleetwood then scored against the run of play as Bolton fell asleep quicker than a drunken narcoleptic, the conversion was missed and Bolton again found themselves behind, but luckily within reach of victory. Score 16-10.

Then came the try of the match, Bolton picked the ball up from a scrum within their own half, Turner off loaded to Richardson who released the backs with the ball finding Dr Brown who skipped past a couple of tackles before off loading to the rampaging salmon John Stryker who was cut down short of the line...however Bolton’s support was fantastic, the ball was recycled quickly and Terry popped to captain Keech who ran over the line without challenge to score when Bolton needed it most. Unfortunately the conversion was again missed by off form kicker Rob “epigynous berry” Terry.

The away side then tried to take the lead with a series of barnstorming runs, MOTM Manny Tailor, newly reformed Robocop James Howarth, Josh Richardson and Mark Townsend all trying their best to penetrate the panicky Fleetwood defence. However another series of strange refereeing decisions led to Fleetwood clearing their lines and Bolton’s frustrations growing to an all time high, although they still appeared confident as the gaps continued to open.

As Bolton’s self-belief grew they lost all of the momentum as Fleetwood scored a dubious try. The questionable score came after a Fleetwood player blocked a Bolton defender allowing them to score under the posts, the conversion was slotted by the excellent Fleetwood kicker. The score now 23-15.

As the away side tried to rally for one final time you could tell that the last Fleetwood score had knocked them for six. Fleetwood added insult to injury within the last 2 minutes with a final try, this finished the match off as a drained Bolton side had given everything they had. The return fixture at Mortfield Pavilion will certainly be a great game to watch.

Next week Bolton 2XV will play host to local rivals Wigan 2XV who lost at home last week against Oldham. This fixture falls on horror author Stephen King’s birthday, so let’s hope Bolton will be Shining through the mist and allow the running man to go the extra green mile and overcome this weeks misery.

Final Score: Fleetwood 2XV 28 – 15 Bolton 2XV

The Thomas Relph CRB check MOTM award: Manny Tailor (pictured throwing the everything but the kitchen sink at Fleetwood).

Tries: Turner, Relph O, and Keech.

Convs: 0

Pens: 0

Dodgy Comment of the day: “I met my girlfriend at Bolton School” (22yrs old Joe Smith, 2013)

Regards,
Nash Bridges

Twitter: @nashbridgesNB

EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE IS PURELY THE THOUGHTS AND VIEWS OF AN UNKNOWN SPECTATOR AND NOT THE VIEWS OF A PLAYER WITHIN THE SQUAD.